This quote strikes me every time I see it. The truth in it always gets me. 

I agree.

The other night, with big tears rolling down & eyes that were filled with total fear, my little Bear asked me questions about the surgery & after surgery that I had no answers to. I so badly wanted to give her those answers she was looking for. 

But, all I could say was…

Last week I wrote on here with full disclosure about riding the struggle bus.

I also wrote that I was jumping off of it.

I did.

I had incredible workouts Friday & Saturday. Y’all I might be addicted to Cize (contact me for more info)!

But, my need was on Sunday.

Sunday was my long run day.

I needed a solid run like I need sunshine, like I need water, like I need food.

Mentally, emotionally & physically….I needed it.

It is something that is truly hard to explain.

But, I had to have it.

I have not had a long, solid run in a very long time & no double digit runs since my 25k in May.

Headed into this week where I have a million things on  my “to do” list & we do not need to discuss the emotional part of it yet, I just needed this.

I gave myself permission to run, walk or crawl. I did not care. Slow or fast.

Just finish the ten miles. Hit the double digit mark.

My first five miles were great; strong. I was in my zone.

From mile six to seven, I wanted to quit & call for a ride.

I was in mile eight & growing tired. Everything hurt. I told myself when I got up to the sign I could see in the distance that I could take a twenty second walk break.

I pushed & got to that point. Then, I looked at my Garmin & saw I was just shy of hitting mile nine. So I pushed until nine and then gave myself that twenty seconds.

That last mile, I cried for most of the way. I cried because even though everything hurt, I felt amazing. Because I hit my goal despite fighting through fatigue. I kept going when I wanted to stop & sit. Because I realized I can always go further if I give myself the opportunity to do so.

I needed it. In that last mile, those moments there, is when I feel the most like *k*

That *k* is this really strong woman who will not stop & will not settle for anything less than amazing. She believes in living life to its’ depth & width. 

Then, I treated  myself to a Starbucks Mango Black Tea Lemonade…I mean, I definitely earned it & then rushed off to church where again I heard exactly what I needed to hear. 

Until Next Time~
*krisha*

Yes….Yes I am. 

I am on the Struggle Bus.

I hate it.

I have been stuck & unable to jump off.

Like something is totally holding me back.

Today….today…I think I jumped off.

I needed a wake-up call, a serious slap in the face.

I actually ended up at the doc office this week to have some blood work done & talk through some issues. Overall, my blood work shows I am way incredibly healthy so we were able to determine what was causing me to feel the way I have been & am trying some things out.

However, one thing I know….

I have not been truly taking care of me. For months. 

I have allowed myself to be pushed down the list of priorities….at times, pretty far. The problem with this: I am the ONLY one who can take care of me. No one else is there to do this for me. 

My energy has been so incredibly low for months & getting worse as time progresses. I do not sleep. although I have never been a good sleeper anyway (thanks to the genes from my dad’s side), my sleep pattern is so crazy right now & the amount of actual sleep I am getting on average is way too low. Way too low.

My nutrition has, to be 100 percent honest, been lacking. I have not been drinking my Shakeology daily (umm…hello…easiest way in the world to get my daily superfoods – DUMB!), some days I do not eat enough food, while other days I am grabbing foods I know my body does not need & will do me zero good & consuming too much of it!

During this summer, my girls have stayed with their dad some extra days….which, in turn, has seemed to give me a free pass at not eating a healthy dinner since it was just me or really, not eating at all. Hello, Krisha….a Kind bar is NOT a dinner! 

I mean….really…. I KNOW BETTER!

I have also struggled with allowing food to control me again. Have you ever struggled with food in this way before? Where food is almost like an addiction & you turn towards it. For years I turned to food as a crutch. I used it to try to calm my stress. I used to it try to fill emotional voids, that empty feeling. I did not have control over what went in my mouth or how much. 

Then, you have that “everything in moderation” concept, right? Well….what is the breaking point between “moderation” and just your “normal”??? I think I have leaped over the moderation line on some items & are indulging WAY.TOO.MUCH. 

Umm…hello to that glass of wine I say I will enjoy randomly on a week night to turning into MOST week nights. That is not moderation. That is almost a routine. 

Then, lets talk about my workouts or how long it has been now since I have gotten in a really super hard, drenched in sweat, blow my own mind session?? Actually, lately when I start a workout I realize I cannot even power through it due to my energy lacking. 

I do not feel good right now. I am not the best version of me. My energy is low. My motivation is dragging behind me. My healthy habits are not routines. My body does not feel good. I can feel my “tight” disappearing & leaving behind what I worked hard to change in the first place.

Simply put, I do not feel good.  I am not my best.

So, I slapped myself in the face. I have taken a few steps backwards lately. But, I am awake now. I had to force myself to admit that really, I was back to self-sabotaging myself again.  I was creating excuses. I was falling back into old habits. I was losing control.

Sure, I need to give myself some grace as I continue to adjust into my new chapter. I have. I do. But, once again, it is that struggle of finding the right balance of giving grace but not selling myself short by creating excuses too. Truly, I can see in the past few weeks when I take care of me, I am a much better mom & Krisha for those around me that I love! 

Regardless, healthy living is a journey that never ends. It’s a constant adventure & sometimes we do find that we are taking some backwards steps. The best choice here is to pick your chin up & look forward again. Do not look backwards at how you looked a year ago or how strong you were six months ago – that will only hold you back. That was what was weighing me down on the struggle bus – looking back.

So I jumped off the bus knowing I only want to move forward. So, chin up, one foot in front of the other & taking care of me again! Because…I am worth it. 

Until Next Time~
*krisha*

Ahh…insert a nice, long, deep breath of air…

Another goal accomplished.

One hundred days ago I decide to do a run streak of at least a mile a day. At the time, I had no number of days set. 

When I got to day #57, I thought it would be fun to aim for 100 days. So, to keep myself accountable I shared that goal on social media immediately. Yes, putting myself out there was scary. Sure, I was afraid I would fall short. But, I was trying to go somewhere & writing out my goals & sharing them always keeps my fire going. 

Today,  my lunch time run completed my 100 day run streak. On my run today, I felt proud. Proud that I hadn’t given up on this goal.

Because, lets be honest & say I wanted to quit on this goal probably at least 30 days out of 100. There were days I had to put on my workout clothes at 9:30ish at night, after girls were tucked in bed, lunches & backpacks were packed, laundry done & put away, and bathrooms cleaned up. Yes, I would be at complete exhaustion & the thought of jumping on my treadmill made me angry. 

There were days I knew I had no choice but to run early in the morning and I really did not want to get out of bed, but I somehow dragged my butt up.

There were days where running a mile felt like I was climbing a mountain as my body just did not want to go & I wanted to stop. 

But, every single time I completed this mile, or however many miles I ran for the day, I felt so much better than I did before I started. 

Some days it gave me an energy boost; some it relieved my stress allowing me to crash into bed; some where it allowed me to search for the answers to on-going questions; and some where it was about nothing than just the music I was singing along with. Yes….out loud. 

It took drive, commitment, strength, focus & discipline. Some days it took my girls asking if I had run my mile yet to get it done. I mean, who would want to let those two down?! 

Every goal I set, I always grow. I always gain something or learn something. This one helped remind me that excuses get us nowhere. This one showed me that there is always time in the day for the things you find important to you. This goal reminded me that taking a little amount of time, some days this was as little as ten minutes, to do something for me or something I enjoy is so crucial to my mental health & stress levels. 

Will I keep going? No. Today I end my run streak for now. I may do it again someday. But, I know in just a few weeks I will be staying in the hospital with my daughter for at least a week & running a mile every day will not be a top priority; holding her hand will be. 

I also know that I learned a lot about my body; physically & mentally; last year training for my marathon & I know this time there are changes I need to make. A run streak is not in my cards especially since at that point, rest days are crucial! 

So, I have a few new goals swimming around in my mind right now & I am just waiting to see which one lands on my heart! 

Until Next Time~
*krisha* 

This morning I looked in the mirror thinking about what day it is….

It is Tuesday so some would call it “Transformation Tuesday.”

I looked in the mirror feeling incredibly confident in myself.

In that moment I realized the transformation I am the most proud of is the one on the inside.

The one you have to really look at me, you have to really see me, in order to see it.

Do not get me wrong…I also love my transformation on the outside. It motivates me on the days I want to give up. It inspires me on the days I am lacking. Not just for the look of it, but for the fact that the “now” is healthy & the “before” was far from being anywhere close to the healthy category.

But, on the inside, that transformation is the strong one. This is the one that never lets me quit.

In my “before” pictures, what you see is a woman who found no value in herself. She was weak. Her smiles were fake. She compared herself to others. She worked out only because others were. She had very little self-confidence & therefore, allowed others to determine if she was good enough or not.

In the “now” picture, stands a woman, confident in who she is & who she is becoming. She does not compare herself to anyone & the opinion others may have for her mean nothing to her.

She has traveled through some dark days recently & has had to pick herself back up more than once. She has stood on both feet with nothing to lean on as life turned into pieces & she fought to find the new pieces to begin again. She lost more people than she thought she would; found her hand empty often. But, through her own strength she truly found that being completely alone is a blessing compared to sitting in a room of people she cared about or sitting next to one & feeling incredibly alone.

She grew confident, daily, in herself. She became stronger. She began to believe in herself like she never had before.

Yes, she has failed. Yes, she is now divorced. Yes, mistakes have been made.

Has she grown? Has she learned? Does she still believe in the beauty of tomorrow? The answer is yes.

Now, she knows exactly who she is & is happy. She knows her own worth, she knows her own beauty, she knows change is nothing to be feared, she doesn’t compare her life to yours & she workouts out simply because she loves it.

Yes, I have days. Days that seem dark. Days that I struggle. Days I cannot hide tears. Days I am too tired to get up. Days the only thing I want to eat is pizza.  Yes, I fail; yes, I fall flat on my face.

To be real you have to be authentic. I want to be real; I want to be authentic in this journey of mine.  

Maybe I am just failing forward to success.

But, I am me & I’m confident in who I am. If you are one that can see my real transformation, you have to be able to see how real my smile is.

This is the me who believes in herself and in tomorrow. This is my transformation story & I cannot wait to see where my adventures will take me.

Until Next Time~
*krisha*

So it has been weighing on my mind.

On my heart.

In my soul.

I have had numerous talks with myself; arguments really. I have prayed about it. Soul-searched. Gone back and forth a million times.

But, yesterday I saw this quote right at the moment the question was running through my mind. 

I took it as my sign. 

So, I made the decision. I set the goal. Then, I wrote down my plan to achieve it.

The journey to another 26.2 has begun. 

I have been going back and forth on it for months. Was I ready to tackle such a huge goal? Did I think I could commit? Did I have the heart to do it all again? Could I make it work with my schedule? 

Part of me thought my first marathon would be my only. But, due to my knee & hip that landed me in physical therapy for six months after receiving that medal, my time was not any place close to what I had hoped for. I know I can do better. I want to do better.

I am a competitor. I was raised to never settle for anything less than my best. I was raised with a work hard mentality. I want another shot. I’m afraid if I take this year off, I may never tackle this goal again.

With that being said, I know I have some big challenges ahead, such as Laynee’s surgery. I will have over a week where it will just be her & I in Ohio. I may not get in my runs, but I feel if I work hard before & get right back on track after I can still be successful. 

I am going into this with the thought in my heart that life may cause some roadblocks. However, I am going to start. If I receive the messages that I need to scale back, then I will aim to crush a PR like I never imagined I could in the half-marathon. But, if I don’t try, I may always wonder. 

So, I have my plan. Because goals need to have a plan. Today is day one of a brand new month, it is a FABULOUS time to set a goal! 

I have many goals for this month: my training goal, my 21 day fix eating goal, my run streak for as long as I can keep it rolling, really digging into my monthly budget with a true-set plan, reading with my girls daily, getting them a good math facts system with goals for the summer, my PD daily, de-clutter my basement, and last but not least have as much summer fun as I can with my girls prior to Laynee’s surgery. 

I keep my goals written around me to see daily. It is so easy to get distracted, or tired, and want to conveniently forget about what I want to accomplish if I don’t keep them close by. 

What are some of your goals? Do you write them down or keep them in your head? Do you write out your steps or set plans to accomplish them? I would love to hear; goal-setting is like my favorite! 

For fun: new dress I just got from Jane.com….this might be the most comfy thing I own! Love it! 

Until Next Time~
*krisha*

I have had many reach out to me wondering if Laynee has made any progress since returning home from our week long clinic to Nationwide Children’s Hospital last month. I cannot tell you how much it means to me that so many of you have thought about her & prayed for her.

However, unfortunately, we were only traveling backwards in our trial of the medicine regimen. My little bear was getting frustrated & mom was a stressed mess as there seemed to be not one single step forward no matter how hard we tried. We worked daily with our Nurse Practitioner from the clinic making daily adjustments, however, we knew when the time came to call it quits as this was not going to work for Laynee’s body.

So, after another team meeting there of the clinic staff, I received a phone call with the next step. I knew already in my heart for weeks that the Malone procedure was probably in her future. But, I was shocked over the phone of the additional step they wanted to make. As much as I really did not want to send my baby back in for another surgery, I knew we were just at dead ends & there really was not a choice.

Laynee’s colon is extra long & extra curvy; especially in that tiny body of hers. Some people can live with a colon like hers with no issues; others cannot. The medicine regimen told her doctors just how much of an issue her colon was possibly causing. So, even though it felt like we just went backwards over the past few weeks, it did give us some needed information in which I have to be thankful for.

The last week of July, we will head back to Nationwide Children’s Hospital for surgery. They will be removing part of her colon & putting in a Malone. For the Malone, they will connect her appendix to her abdominal wall & then create a valve mechanism through her belly button. This tube is how we will be able to give her daily medicine & in time, Laynee will eventually be able to do this all on her own in her own privacy! She will be in the hospital for at least 6 days after her surgery & we will need to stay a few more days in Ohio for daily checks before they will allow us to return back home.

This is the next step for Laynee. This does not “fix” her. There is still thought that her sacral nerves do not send messages to her brain either. This is basically a step that will make her lifestyle somewhat easier, definitely less private for her. Her medicine regimen will take about an hour out of her day but this will allow her a life with a lot less fear as she travels through her days & will help her confidence which at times has been a bit of a struggle.

I still have just under 30 days left before this occurs & I cannot deny that when I stop & think about it, I cry. I cry because surgery is scary & they are doing some pretty crazy & invasive stuff in that tiny stomach of hers. I cry because I hate that she is going through another surgery. I cry because it has been such a long journey for the past almost 4 years of so many trial & error stages with non-stop dead ends with no answers & no progress. We have tried every road, taken every turn we were given or could find; I’ve spent hours researching & tracking every part of her day. So I pray now this is going to help her live a better lifestyle. I prayed for years for her to “be fixed” and although that is not a true option, I feel we have been led in the right timing to the right doctors with a chance for an easier lifestyle for her. So, I cry because maybe, just maybe, her road will get a little easier & her daily frustrations & struggles will diminish.

Either way, she comments about this being the way God made her body & although she doesn’t understand or like it she has to accept it, but I will tell you that maybe her body struggles functioning correctly, but He certainly blessed her with an amazing athletic talent.

Until Next Time~
*krisha*

I have started a blog post a handful of times in the past few weeks but always left unfinished. I have felt like I was hanging on by a thread for this entire month of June & although I had words I wanted to write, nothing was there. 

Yesterday I was home alone again & had been on an emotional ledge for weeks now & suddenly felt like I was about to leap off that ledge. I had to get out of my house for a bit. I needed to go some place else where I could just think, just be, just enjoy a beautiful surrounding. A place I could be alone, yet not feel lonely. 

So, I got in the car & drove. 

I ended up on the beach of Lake Michigan. 

I walked the pier taking in the fresh air. Enjoying the beauty of the water, although it was a very hazy day out. I sat at the end of the pier for some time just alone in my thoughts, in my memories, in my dreams, in my fears, in my hopes, in my prayers & in my heart. 

The truth is that sometimes change is hard. Even when you know change is coming or that a chapter is ending sometimes the reality of it all strikes you out of nowhere & what you have known to be your normal for years is no longer your reality. 

Maybe it is more like that thread you were barely holding on by to get through the days finally broke you free. It allowed you to step back & look at the big picture again. 

I have struggled lately feeling pulled in a million directions, all taking every ounce of energy out of me. Some days simply running my one single mile for my run streak feels like the hardest thing in the world to do. 

Right now, I have struggled accepting my new “normal.” Maybe it comes down to even when you know it is time to start a new chapter, that first page can be hard to begin. 

As I sat on the pier I realized  how different each wave was. Some big, some small. Some weak & some strong. Some you could walk right through, while others you would have to fight with everything you have to stay above the water. 

The waves are just like the pages in our book. Each page can be different, each page has different words. Some deep, some simple. Some filled with love, some filled with tears. But, each page can be beautiful, just like every wave. We have the choice to scribe them full of love, beauty, faith, hope and our dreams and spread a positive energy for those around us. 

As I walked back towards the beach, I could feel the negative me that had been crying on & off for days was left behind. I could feel the strength coming back that I will need to embrace my new normal. 

No doubt I have struggles ahead, especially in the next month & a half, but I will fight to keep focus on the positives. I want to focus my energy on the blessings in my life & inspire me & hopefully others around me. 

It is my choice to focus on the positive & let go of the negative. I am not perfect. There will be days, but I will fight. This is how I want to live my life; shining a positive energy.  

So here I go. New chapter. New pages to scribe. New words to use. New adventures to travel. 

Until Next Time~
*krisha*

This picture. 

I have looked at it so many times since it was taken by my daughter.

I get tears. 

Every time.

Because.

You have no idea what that picture means to me.

When I look at it I see a woman celebrating life. I see a mama playing with her kids. I see a woman participating in life. I see a mama spreading fun & joy. I see a woman who isn’t afraid to be herself. I see a mama showing an example of self-confidence & self-love. 

I did not used to be her. 

I used to be standing on the sidelines of life. I used to not love who I was or my body. I used to not be the confident one running around like one of the kids. 

This picture shows the mama & the woman I want to be. 

This picture was from a field trip to the sand dunes with my daughter & her fourth grade classmates. My Jacee, who is my biggest fan, told me she had informed her classmates that I would definitely be running on the dunes “because my mom works out a lot & runs marathons.” I cannot even put into words how amazing it felt to be literally running up & down the dunes racing my daughter & her friends & even racing some of the boys who wanted a challenge. I was just like one of the kids. 

A few years ago, this field trip would not have been this way. I would have stood & watched the kids have fun. I was weak then, overweight, tired, and physically unhealthy. 

I also got in a few pictures with my daughter and her BFF who is like a daughter to me as well. I captured the memory for all of us; Jacee will look back & see her mom on this trip. Again, a few years ago, I would have stayed behind the camera not wanting to be seen.

It took me some years. It took some major failings. It took some tears. But, I have grown into the woman I have always wanted to be. I am exactly who I am & I am proud of that. 

This picture. 

Will always give me tears reminding me of the journey I have traveled & the path ahead filled with many more wonderful memories. 

Until Next Time~
*krisha*

You know what fear I am talking about, right?

I’m sure you have felt it. I’m certain it has held you back from something. I’m positive you have walked away from a dream because of it.

Have you?

That fear of failure…

I have. More times than I ever care to admit.

Years went by where I was afraid to put myself out there. In many areas of life. I was terrified of having to admit that I fell short. Afraid that I could not cross that finish line of a goal or a dream.

But, I finally realized living in fear was not enjoyable. Living in fear of falling a little short was not allowing me to live my life the way I wanted to; the way I was designed to live my life.

I finally woke up one day & had one of those life changing conversations with myself (am I the only one who has those conversations meaning I am crazy or do you all have them too??).  I came to the realization that it is truly okay to fail, to fall short of a goal, because it meant I was trying to do something. It meant I was using the gifts God blessed me with to make a change in my life & in the lives of those around me.

I told myself that I didn’t need to be afraid, I just needed to be strong to get through the challenges that I knew would try to stumble me. I needed to be determined for the days that I did fall so that I could get back up. I had to stay positive no matter how hard or fast I fell because we never accomplish anything when we tell ourselves we cannot do it. Daily, I knew I needed to be sure my passion was burning so bright that I knew I would not give up.

Yes, I have failed. At many things in life. Some that are major & life changing. Others that are small & in the scheme of life do not really matter.

Guess what, I will fail again.

But, I am no longer afraid to fail. The fear of the possibility has no control over me. I want to live my life to the fullest; when my final day comes I want to leave knowing I used every single bit of energy & the gifts my body was blessed with. I want to look back some day when I’m ninety &  smile knowing I lived life out loud regardless if I won or lost. I want to know that I did strive to turn my dreams into goals, I loved big, I fueled my passions & hopefully along the way I left a positive impact & maybe even helped change some lives into better tomorrows.

So….today I say, “So what!” So what if you are striving for a goal that you have already fallen short of a 100 times, don’t be afraid to try again. After all, you’re still trying, you’re doing something to improve your life or the lives around you so be proud. From my view, in order to be successful, you will have to know how to fail anyway!

Until Next Time~
*krisha*