Accepting.

I have had a lot of questions every day about how my DRG Stimulator is working. I know I have not talked about it all that much. Partly because I am focusing on so much more than a stimulator.

Can I just say what a beautiful day today is? Today, I am so grateful for the ability to walk. Back after my initial foot reconstruction surgery due to bad foot genes in 2017, I went six months without the ability to walk. I utilized my knee walker or crutches. There were just two days in that time frame that I walked (slowly & very awkwardly) before the wound clinic wanted me back off my foot in hopes to heal the wound on my heel. Initially, I was only to be off my foot for about four weeks. The length of that time was due to my CRPS and it was believed there was a chance I would not be able to walk without assistance again. It is very common with CRPS. These are pages in my chapter that I will never forget.

Today, I spent my lunch break on the treadmill at the gym at a very slow pace, and I was able to put one foot in front of the other for two miles. Granted, my lungs still feel a bit hazy from pneumonia, but I just was very present in the moment truly appreciating each step taken & of the air in my lungs.

On Christmas morning when I was admitted into the hospital for five days, I could barely talk because my lungs were that bad. It took a few breathing treatments that day before I found I could really speak again. Struggling to breathe like that is a real wake-up call of another function our bodies do for us that we do not ever have to think about.

One major difference between me in the present compared to one year ago, is that my view on my pain is different, therefore I utilize the DRG Stimulator differently. A year ago when it was still turned on, I focused on it. At the very first second of pain, I was changing the stimulation.

Now, I rarely touch it. From my few months at therapy at a practice that is centered around mindfulness, I view my pain differently.

I used to resist my pain. I was angry at it. I was afraid of it. I hated it. It made me feel hopeless. It gave me anxiety. It made me depressed. I wanted it gone. I wanted to crawl into a dark hole and give up.

What has happened in the past few months is that I have learned to accept my pain. In the words of Lady Gaga on the Oprah podcast this week, I have learned to “radically accept” my pain. That’s important.

We are taught from so early in our lives that uncomfortable feelings are bad & our loved ones try to comfort us to take it away, make it feel better. In the moments of pain, it is incredibly uncomfortable, I would resist it & just want it to go away. Just like I have always wanted to bury or hide other uncomfortable emotions in life.

Now, I accept those moments. I practice different types of mindfulness {deep breathing or meditation are my main ones} to work through those spikes versus grabbing my remote from my DRG & cranking up the stimulation. More times than not, I am able to work through those uncomfortable moments & eventually, in time, they start to fade back down from their pain peak.

For the past few weeks, I have tried to take my sock off a little longer every day to see if I could learn to handle the air again. I wanted to see if I could ever work through that uncomfortable feeling, that spike of pain. I began to notice that some days I could go longer with no sock on but there were also days that it was too much.

Last night, I slept with no sock on. That might seem like such a silly thing to those who crawl into bed every night & take their socks off & never have had to stop to think about the air creating such excruciating pain on a limb of their body. For me, it is huge. I know that tonight, it might not work & maybe I won’t be able to for months again. But, I am going to choose to focus on the one night I did not have to wear one, instead of all the nights I put that dreaded big sock on my left foot.

In short, I am here really learning to appreciate the joys every single day. Yes, I do know there is a chance that the DRG could stop working or the battery could start to move again (last time it was about three months post-surgery that the issues began) or my CRPS could spread or whatever other crazy thing CRPS can do because it’s like the devil  but I am doing my best to celebrate the days things are improved instead of living in fear of what could happen tomorrow.

Truly, therapy was the best thing I have done for myself in a long time.  Because of that step, I am starting to find me again & I can see clearly now that I have allowed CRPS to bury me for far too long.

I know my life may never be “pain-free” again and I have accepted that. Please understand that accepting that is different than not being hopeful for a cure. There will always be moments where my CRPS will consume me and there will be moments where I will feel pain in my lower back from my battery {every single day} but I will continue to strive to be more and more mindful every day and focus on the present moments and the moments of joy.

Until Next Time~