Oct 20

The Cha-Cha

Years ago I began a journey. I had no idea how long of a trip it would be, I had no idea where it would lead us. It was a journey to find a way to give my daughter a better life. It was a journey to find answers to her body.

I was told over and over that there was nothing I could do. The only solution I was given was one I absolutely hated and refused for my child due to extensive research.

But, despite the number of times I was told there was nothing, in my heart I knew there was something there. I knew there was a reason and I knew there was something wrong. I knew there were solutions out there, I just had to keep looking.

The journey was horribly lonely at times; but the bond she & I share now is something I treasure & is a bond you cannot put into words. There were so many moments of weakness, too many moments of defeat & several moments where part of me wondered if I was just crazy. If I was completely losing my mind.  I found myself lost in moments where I was not sure my heart could take one more step backwards.

But as a mom, there was a fire inside of me that even when it felt it was about to go out, the flame never fully diminished.

I had promised my daughter one day, as I looked into her eyes and held her hand, that I would never give up.

As parents we always want to give our children the best. We want to provide them with a healthy and happy life. We want the best teacher; not the mediocre one. We want the best school system, the best pediatrician. When it comes to our children, we do not settle and simply say, “good enough.” Trust me, I know my daughter is healthy and I know exactly how blessed we truly are. But, that did not stop me from wanting to help her.

This journey took time; it took having to truly increase my patience. It took many “no” answers. It took trial and error so many different times. It took so many tests. It took getting our hopes up over and over only to get them shot down.

Until one day, we met with the surgeon that performed her surgery as a baby. He asked me what I thought about trying out this clinic in Ohio that was doing something unique with kids like her. What? You mean there are kids like her?!!

It took many trips. It took this team to see what was wrong. It took them going in to see how bad it was & making an extensive repair. It took them going back in due to scar tissue. It took over another year of constant X-rays and emails back and forth and constant tweaks.


Today, I sit here with a smile.  I am so thankful that I never gave up for my girl, despite the number of nights we both spent in tears. The struggles, the trial and errors over the years, the storms she fought through.

Every day we kept the belief that tomorrow was a new day. It was always a new day for things to go smoother. It was a new day for getting closer to answers. It was just a new day & yesterday could be forgotten.

As I pulled away from our home away from home this week, tears welled in my eyes. I can say now, my girl is finally on a better path. We love our little piece of this world, we fit in here. We have others who understand us; we have others to share experiences with. We have families we connect with.

I promised her I would never give up and this mama’s heart could not be more happy for her, for her future. Our journey is not over, but the strides her body has made is amazing. Just like any big change in life that you make in hopes of progress: it’s messy. Sometimes it is two steps forward followed by three steps back. Sometimes you have days where you just want to give up hope and forget it.

This is a three-month trial & my precious girl & I will happily do the cha-cha with our steps forward and back fully believing this is the right dance to carry her to a better tomorrow.


Until Next Time~

Oct 2

Newest Addiction

Here we are. Another Monday. Another week of crazy. Another week of non-stop mom taxi driving. Another week of a buried desk at work. Another week of grinding at home every evening.

Another week of the above because it all fills my heart.

Anyway, this weekend came and flew by; like they all do. But, luckily my main love language is quality time. We tried the Melting Pot this weekend for my bestie’s birthday. That is a place I can say with pretty much complete certainty, that I will not be returning to. We still are not sure what took so long, but over three hours later we walked out from our four course meal & all four of us were still hungry.


The good news is that it was three hours with three people who truly matter. You cannot ever put a price tag on time spent, memories created, and laughter shared.

Anyways, my to do list is quite lengthy right now in life. Changes happening, medical “stuff” on the calendar, chapters ending….you know, a little of this and a lot of that.

Currently, I am on Operation Declutter. For the past few years the opportunity for me to have a garage sale is pretty non-existent as my days off work are saved for medical days; my weekends are already too jam-packed. I will admit that STUFF has just been sitting for so long needing to leave my home.

Oh my gosh y’all – if you have never been on a mission to really go through your home & get rid of the “stuff,” you must do so soon.

It is addicting. Getting rid of all this clutter, the stuff in life that does not matter, the stuff that takes up space and the junk that takes your time away from the important things. I cannot stop! For. Real.


I mean really….can you please explain to me why I had so many pairs of jeans in my closet. Especially when I wear like maybe only three of them. All I can do is shake my head at myself!

In other words, if you are trying to find me in the next couple of weeks you will have to look for me buried in a closet some place with black trash bags and bins around me with the tunes blaring out of my Block Rocker.

Now, for what I am eating. I am literally loving chicken tenderloins grilled up on our charcoal grill. The smoky flavor and whatever seasonings my guy uses is just incredible & makes eating chicken way more exciting! So, he cooked me up a package yesterday making my protein on my meals this week pretty easy! When you do not have a free night during the week, this is the key!


Now, off I go back to the sea of sticky notes that cover my life!

Until Next Time~


Sep 29

I Hide.

It seems to be a common theme for my life lately. I hide.

At the end of summer I took my girls to the beach for one last summer adventure. I needed this one day to be a fun mom again who was not defined by her pain like I feel I have been for so long. I relied on inner strength, pain meds, and my guy. At one point we were walking in the sand and to no one’s knowledge I appeared to be fine, but I was hiding behind my sunglasses with tears from pain. However, when my girls looked at me they saw a smile and that was what mattered.


In yoga class, I hide my face. There is always a point where the pain gets to be so great that suddenly there they are. This week I received a few messages about how inspiring I am that I keep fighting and staying positive but really, I am just hiding.

Sitting inside these small little offices several times a week makes it feel like this is my job. This time, my heart was beating at a rapid pace because I knew the answer before. This time I knew we had reached the end of one road. This time I knew I was standing at the intersection and I had to decide to turn left or right.

Yesterday I had a follow-up in the morning with my spine doctor to see how things were progressing since the second injection. I told him how incredibly painful the site was for days after; the report actually indicated that doctor had trouble getting to the exact spot this time and ensured me next time he had a different plan of action. My disc is bulging and there is a chance I have my mom’s spine so we chatted about the things I can do to help and those that can hurt.

We talked about how to move forward and feel we were at a stop sign for my back. The injections have given me great relief from the constant nerve pain I was feeling daily — thank God. It is not 100 percent gone, but it is also not 100 percent at the front of my mind like it was. I still having shooting pain that starts in my back and shoots down my leg. I have days where the pain is nothing too severe and I have days where it is too great.

The one thing that has never changed was the pain in my foot meaning we had our answer; an answer I knew in my gut from day one. The pain in my foot is unrelated to my back. From a back standpoint, we needed to push pause because perhaps if I was not walking funny, favoring that “bad” side because of my foot, some of these back symptoms could improve.

Fast forward to yesterday’s afternoon appointment with a new foot specialist who is a top doc. I knew going in where I was headed. I have done my research as well and this was now my third foot and ankle specialist. I have tried everything there is to try unless this doctor had a secret potion no one else knew about. I’ve spent $500 on two different pairs of orthotics. I have rested it. I have tried meds. I have physical therapy. Nothing has given any form of relief.

I had three choices upon examining my foot.

  1. I could go on with life dealing with the pain.
  2. I could go on with life wearing my orthotics still dealing with the pain & no relief.
  3. I could proceed with surgery.

Surgery was not what I wanted because this is not an easy one. But, sometimes you have to accept its time to move forward. He told me his goal for me was to get me back to running but cannot promise it.

I responded with, “I can’t even walk a mile without the pain stopping me right now.”

“I can promise you after your recovery you will be able to walk a mile pain-free,” he responded.

That’s all I need. I don’t have to run long distances ever again. But, I want to be able to live life better. I want to be able to walk with my kids. I want to be able to take them to the beach without hiding pain behind my sunglasses. I want to be able to go outside and play ball with the girls when they ask. I want to be able to move. So, essentially, I am getting a new foot. An almost complete foot reconstruction. Bones moved, tendons moved, calf muscle lengthened. From my heel to my toes — my foot will be entirely different.

The road ahead is long. There will be weeks of no work and no movement; there will be weeks of no weight-bearing at all with a very slow-paced journey of a small percentage at a time to get to full weight bearing. He warned me this surgery is an incredibly difficult one. The total recovery time from this is ONE YEAR.

All I can say, is November 2018 I’m coming for you. I have traveled long painful roads before and I know this one has more challenges than I have yet to imagine but I am hopeful and that feels good.

Until Next Time~

Sep 22

The Good Ones

It is amazing to watch your own perspective shift. It’s disheartening to see how much you actually take something for granted without ever realizing you did.

The good ones are what I hold on to anymore. The good ones are the ones that I hope and pray for.

The other day I spent my lunch hour again on the trail. Slowly putting one foot in front of the other. Fighting, actually, to do just that. At one point, I looked down to see how very little I traveled with each stride.

Barely moving.

Baby steps.

I thought to myself that this did not matter. Direction mattered. The fact that I was simply going someplace mattered. I always believed that I truly appreciated the fact my body could move and run miles. Perhaps I did appreciate it, but I also took it for granted. A few months ago I was unable to go even a half of a mile; the simple gift of being able to move on some days is incredible. In that moment, on that trail, I told myself something that has been on repeat in my mind.

I look back on the past three years of my life. The common theme has always been:


I said this to myself as I adjusted through divorce. I said this to myself through my daughter’s struggles with surgery on her colon. I said this to myself as she had to fight through horribly intense pain nightly that still makes me cry when I think about it. I said this as we adjusted her body again post another surgery.

Now, I’m finding myself saying it to her as she fights through a different pain nightly from a different condition she had as a baby that has returned.

I find myself saying it about my body daily. I have good days where I can walk {or sometimes “wog” because it’s easier on my tendon & calf muscle} two miles. I have other days in which moving in general is almost unbearable. I have days where I truly have to breathe deep and fight hard to just go a very slow mile filled with so many tiny baby steps.

I say it to myself when I am trying to breathe deep and hold it together when I see the fear in my daughter’s eyes; when I fight to answer her “why” questions and explain the next step, the next test, the next trial to her.


The good ones are a treasure. The good days when things do not seem to be so painful or so difficult, those days are such gifts. As for the difficult ones, I choose to believe that it is because of those that I can find the utmost appreciation for the good ones.

The difficult ones make us stronger. The difficult ones help us to love harder. The difficult ones help us to appreciate more.  They aren’t “bad” because every day is a gift.

At the end of the day, if it was a day that was a struggle, I will always hold on to the fact that tomorrow will be a better day.


Until Next Time~

Sep 15

The Ugly

I feel I am standing in the middle of a season that is bringing some chaos, important decisions to be made & the potential for incredibly big life changes.

Take a walk outside here in Michigan and observe the changes of fall. My life is currently in a season like this.

This week I was almost haunted by this picture here that appeared in my Timehop & my Facebook memories. 

This is me with my brothers at my cousin’s wedding in 2014. I have NEVER in my life felt as confident & as beautiful as I did that night. My first marathon was officially in a countdown & mentally I was in incredible shape.

This week looking at this picture almost had me wishing I was “her” again; as if that person in the picture was not me & I wishing to be someone else.

Today’s lunch break was spent out on the White Pine Trail. Fall & that trail are two of my favorite things. As I very slowly & painfully moved along the trail, I took in the colors of fall. The green that was still bright from the summer, the orange and red beginning to become so gorgeoulsy vibrant, and the leaves already fallen laying on the ground.

I realized my life seems to be in a fall season.

It is no secret that I have gained weight back; a significant amount. I reflect back and I can see a million reasons why, a million places I went wrong.

You see, I am a lot like fall. My appearance has changed, I have endured many battles, my surroundings are changing, I’ve gone from colorful + vibrant to dull and, at times, feel as if I am fighting to hang on before I fall to the ground.

Today I remembered that it’s all an incredible journey. Today I remembered that we change just like the seasons. Today I remembered throughout the seasons, it can be hard to find the beauty but with a new season things come back to life, the ugly disappears.

No, I’m not calling myself ugly here, my friends. But, what I am saying is that life is filled with many seasons and with each season brings change, it brings beautiful and ugly, some things fall apart or disappear for good, while others get the chance to grow all over again from the beginning.

Perhaps, I’m like the fall. I’m fighting to become vibrant + colorful again. I’m willing to fall down in order to begin a new season. I’m ready to grow again. I’m willing to accept that woman in the picture above is from an old season and she has disappeared for good.

In this season, if you see me out on the trail taking in the colors you will see me with a great limp. You might find me with tears. You could hear cuss words flying out of my mouth or perhaps a pep talk.

You will find me out there fighting, willing to let some of my color shine through the normalcy.

You will find me, no matter how ugly it might get, fighting for my health. Fighting for a better future. Fighting for a more beautiful season ahead.

Until Next Time~

Aug 26


Maybe you are like me; maybe you are not. Perhaps this is your favorite way of life.

For me, it is a struggle. I do not relax well. I always have a million things running around inside my mind. Being still is not something I have ever been able to do.

Starting this new journey of mine was terrifying. You see, my body was not designed for this. There are so many different issues and struggles I have; some we are still searching for the answers.

The first time I chose my word for that day, I chose: OPEN. I wanted to commit to staying open to this. Open to what my body could do; perhaps open to what it cannot do. I wanted to stay open to the idea; to the concept of what I was about to try. This was something for years I would tell people, “Oh, I cannot do that. I cannot be still, I have to move. Besides I cannot even touch my toes.”

This morning as I laid on my mat before class began, I was there. Still. Breathing. Turning inward. Become aware of tension in my body.

Here is what I am learning: when you are still, you can hear yourself; your heart; your soul. I find out what is heavy on my heart: where my thoughts lead to instantly. I have found moments where I could feel the tension begin to build inside my body and I have learned to breathe through it and release it.

I cannot control what goes on outside; but what I can control is what goes on inside of me.

I am learning that there are so many things I need to let go of and just be in the now. Not the past and not the future. Present.

Today I was next to the wall in the room and in one pose, I lost my balance and allowed the wall to catch me. I laughed at myself and for a brief second had the thought, “you suck at balancing.”

I let go of that thought quickly. Life constantly throws us out of balance. Daily. But, in those moments, all that really matters is that we fight to get back to the center. We allow ourselves to let go of the need to control it and just breathe and find ourselves in the moment again; letting go of that need to control what we have no control over.

Today I needed an escape. I needed to shut down the outside world. I cannot deny the weight on my heart with upcoming and ongoing medical issues inside my home for us girls. I needed to allow myself to let go of that; I needed to hide from it all. I needed to escape the many appointments scheduled, the pile of bills that all those appointments and tests accumulate to, the home that is cluttered and needs some love, the list of projects to be completed at work, the life decisions around the corner.

Still was needed. Sixty minutes of a perfect escape. Sixty minutes of letting go. Sixty minutes to just breathe. Sixty minutes of being present. Sixty minutes for just me.


Until Next Time~

Aug 17

I’m Ready

When you experience a shift in mindset it is simply incredible.

I finally let go of my hope and dream to run another full marathon. I let go of the drive for miles and miles. Now, I am working through the resentment towards my body and learning to accept it for what it is today. I know that I do not have much control over what it is tomorrow or the next day or next year.

But, I can promise you that I will fight like hell to never give up on it again. I can promise that knowing I will get knocked down many more times, I will keep fighting to win.

I smile today knowing that I have brand new adventures awaiting me. I may have a small tear knowing that some will never happen. But, I am ready to find new things & discover the right ways to take care of MY body. I am ready to learn its restrictions but yet embrace the things it is able to do.

The scary part is that I know you have to leave your comfort zone in order to grow and well, growing is what I need.

One thing that I have always been scared of is yoga. Yoga would be amazing for my body. I am quite possibly the least flexible person in the world and do have even some limits with yoga, but my first step forward is trying out some hot yoga with my Groupon I just purchased.

Last night I did a foundation yoga workout at home and honestly, despite the fact I felt incredibly awkward doing it, when I was done I felt amazing!IMG_3963

This morning I got up early and did some yoga stretching & then set out for a mile walk…. y’all I have to say…

I feel freaking amazing. Like who knew walking + yoga could make me feel on top of the world? Because that is exactly how I feel and I haven’t felt like this in such a long time.IMG_3965

This is me; back to a positive mindset + ready to slay some goals.

Until Next Time~

Aug 15

Letting Go

Sometimes I am amazed at how I can sit down to write and not find a single word to explain how I feel. Writing has always been my answer, my solution. I have shared my story over the years not for you, honestly, but for me.

Can I be honest with you? This last year has been a struggle for me. To me it is crazy to think that just three years ago I was SLAYING goals on a daily basis. At that point in time, I was in the best shape of my life as a mid-30 year old mama.

Now here I am….I struggle to move. I get tired and am out of breath going up the stairs in my home. I have gained back so much weight that it honestly makes me want to cry. Some days I crawl up the stairs and most nights I cry myself to sleep due to the pain & discomfort.

If I was to be honest with myself, I am beginning to realize that I have spent the last year hating my body. I have hated the way it fights me; I have hated the way I do not have control over what I can and cannot do; I have hated the way it has changed its shape over the year.

Now, I know I am going to have some amazing people in my life remind me that the number on the scale does not define me & that my body is beautiful no matter the shape. I love you all for that, I do.

But, I am also being real here & I know that I am not alone about not loving what you see in the mirror every morning. I am not the only one who, at times, doesn’t love her body. {I wish I was!}

I have resented my body for the past year. Today, I went for a nice slow, leisurely walk at lunch which is about the extent of what I am allowed to do these days. While I was putting one foot in front of the other, like I have for years, I realized how I felt about my body. It hit me.

Falling in love with running a few years ago equaled me falling in love with myself. Running gave me a gift that very few people can ever comprehend. It made me feel alive. It helped me find myself. I was addicted to that feeling after a good run, where sweat was dripping, my heart was racing, my runners high kicking in and accepting an answer that I probably found while covering the miles.

Today I realized that now my body has limitation and restrictions and I am pissed off at it. But, I know that I need to let go of that passion of mine that made me feel alive, that addiction I am no longer able to chase after.

I need to let go and trust that I will find a new love, a new passion. I need to let go of that competitive athlete in me and I will need to find a new way to channel that piece of me.

More importantly, I need to accept my body for what it is and what it will never be again. I  need to let go of the shame I feel for gaining back the weight I worked so hard to lose. I am not and will never be a six-pack mama or hell, even a two-pack ab mama; which is totally cool with me!

What I will become is a woman who will learn to love her body all over again; a woman who will fight to find herself at a much healthier weight; a woman who will continue to fight for better medical options & answers; a woman who will no longer strive for perfection & will only strive for a simple real life.

So a new adventure awaits. The runner in me has run her miles, collected her medals & accomplished feats that many people will never even begin to try. But, now I look ahead to new challenges and new accomplishments. IMG_3780


Until Next Time~

Aug 3

Damn Proud

I will admit that for a while recently I was in kind of a dark place. I was depressed, cried multiple times a day, laid on my couch and didn’t…or couldn’t…move.

It is hard for me to remember the runner I once was. In all honesty, I look at pictures from my full marathon and it seems almost like such a blur that I must have imagined the entire thing up. There is no way I could run 26.2 miles.

I mean, right now I can barely get out of bed or off the couch. If you have never experienced constant daily pain, it wears you down. Not just physically. But emotionally, mentally. Most days all I really want to do is to cut off my foot so the pain can stop – the constant numbing/tingling/shooting pain.

But, thankfully I have some people in my life that loved me through my darkness and because they stood there helping, guiding, supporting & yes, squeezing my foot at times, today I feel as if I have found myself out of that dark place.

No, I still do not know exactly what is wrong. I will have testing done on all the nerves in both legs this next week.

More importantly, let’s chat about this morning. You see, any time that I lace up to workout I have zero idea what will happen. Some days I can fight through the pain and do some things; while others the pain can come on so strong and so great that stretching is about the limit.

This morning I laced up to go outside in the fresh air and the goal was to simply walk one lap around my development. The funny part is that trying to walk at a speed to be considered somewhat calorie burning, it actually pulls on my leg muscles (my calf muscles are too short for the deformity in my foot) so much worse & creates a raging fire inside. So, today, I thought: what the hell.

I decided to try to WOG. Yes, wog. It’s about the speed of a walk but in the form of a jog. This allowed me to take the smallest, shortest strides you may have ever seen. But, it allowed me to keep the fire in my calves to a much smaller degree.

So, no, I am not saying this was pain-free. The tendon in my foot/leg that they have talked about needing to transfer was pissed at me….but that is every day life. Some numbness/tingling happened in my foot.

But, I finally have realized that I need to love my body and appreciate it for everything it is and everything it is not. It is not easy to accept such a huge step backwards in term of my overall fitness level.

However, today I felt B.A. as I wogged ONE mile at a pace slower than you probably walk.IMG_3205.JPG

I’m damn proud y’all & I love my body today, pain and all, more than I did yesterday.

Never fear starting over. Accept those times you find yourself feeling as if you are all the way at the beginning. Any journey you take provides you with growth; think of just how incredible this one has the potential to be.

FYI – it took me 13:39 plus a pause on the stop watch at the half-way point to stretch out….so you’re looking at over 15:00 and still damn proud & feeling BA!


Until Next Time~

Jul 21

In That Moment

Three years ago when I began writing and actually sharing my writings, I promised to be real and raw.

I promised to be vulnerable, which means I promised to have the courage to show up and be seen. No matter what. No matter how scary it can be at times.

This week I have hid myself a bit. I have been stuck in a struggle. I told myself that I would not allow my hopes to get up as I approached a week with a few more doctor appointments. But, that just was not the way it played out.

Yesterday in the midst of total fear, disappointment, worry, stress I had the chance to be inspiring. I had the chance to show others my strength. But, instead I showed my weakness; I showed me.

After three appointments this week and a MRI of my spine, I climbed into my car leaving the last appointment for the week at 5:20 yesterday and immediately said, “I need a drink.” In that moment I was torn. I had prayed my spine would not be the cause as back problems seem to never go away, but yet at the same time, I still did not have an answer. There were even more questions asked and a few possible scenarios to look at that scare me immensely.

As we drove to the brewery, my tears fell down from behind my sunglasses. The fear and stress of still not knowing was too much. I posted on social media a picture of my flight of beers showing that it was how I was choosing to deal with the fact another week brought me no answers. Guess what? I also ordered a chicken wrap and sweet potato fries and enjoyed every bite. IMG_2260

I almost hid my choices; I debated hiding my weakness in a time of defeat. But, this is me. I am just a mom who is NOT striving to be perfect. Life is too short to aim for perfection.

Currently, I am just a mom who has to explain to her doctors that she went from being an incredibly active woman to one who now just sits and lets life pass her by.

When your doctors officially label you as a “mystery” and no one can quite determine what is wrong it weighs on you. Living with this daily pain starts to make you feel crazy. You question what you feel, you question yourself when the doctors ask you questions, you just start to feel like you have officially lost it and no longer know anything. You’re tired in a way that sleep does not help.

You are depressed. You cry. You cry because you physically hurt. You cry because not knowing what is wrong with your body weighs so heavy on you. You just cry.

I keep thinking I should stop with “Krisha’s Quest” because I feel lost in my journey; I have no direction. All that I can share is that I am a mom who tries hard to love her own imperfections. I am just a mom who is not afraid to show she doesn’t always pick the healthiest options. I am just a mom who after stressful days or situations loves to enjoy a drink; especially while spending time with her people.

I am not the mom to follow if you want perfection. I am not the one to follow if you want someone to show they choose a salad and a water every day. IMG_2263


For now, I carry on trying my best despite the emotional struggles that my physical body is causing. For now, I carry on at times hiding my tears behind sunglasses. For now, I carry on just trying to make it through each day and I can’t promise you a sweaty selfie every day. I can’t promise you a perfect healthy meal daily. For now, I just need to love my people big and I need to take care of me.

Medically, my doctors have increased my nerve medicine to a significantly higher dose and in two weeks I return to have nerve testing done on both of my legs and pray that maybe on that day, I will not have to continue being a mystery and perhaps we can learn something.

So, here I am. Sometimes I forget my goals because life happens. Sometimes I struggle with food being a comfort for me. Sometimes I am weak. But, all the time, I am me and I’m not afraid to admit that.

Until Next Time~