Aug 17
2017

I’m Ready

When you experience a shift in mindset it is simply incredible.

I finally let go of my hope and dream to run another full marathon. I let go of the drive for miles and miles. Now, I am working through the resentment towards my body and learning to accept it for what it is today. I know that I do not have much control over what it is tomorrow or the next day or next year.

But, I can promise you that I will fight like hell to never give up on it again. I can promise that knowing I will get knocked down many more times, I will keep fighting to win.

I smile today knowing that I have brand new adventures awaiting me. I may have a small tear knowing that some will never happen. But, I am ready to find new things & discover the right ways to take care of MY body. I am ready to learn its restrictions but yet embrace the things it is able to do.

The scary part is that I know you have to leave your comfort zone in order to grow and well, growing is what I need.

One thing that I have always been scared of is yoga. Yoga would be amazing for my body. I am quite possibly the least flexible person in the world and do have even some limits with yoga, but my first step forward is trying out some hot yoga with my Groupon I just purchased.

Last night I did a foundation yoga workout at home and honestly, despite the fact I felt incredibly awkward doing it, when I was done I felt amazing!IMG_3963

This morning I got up early and did some yoga stretching & then set out for a mile walk…. y’all I have to say…

I feel freaking amazing. Like who knew walking + yoga could make me feel on top of the world? Because that is exactly how I feel and I haven’t felt like this in such a long time.IMG_3965

This is me; back to a positive mindset + ready to slay some goals.

Until Next Time~

Aug 15
2017

Letting Go

Sometimes I am amazed at how I can sit down to write and not find a single word to explain how I feel. Writing has always been my answer, my solution. I have shared my story over the years not for you, honestly, but for me.

Can I be honest with you? This last year has been a struggle for me. To me it is crazy to think that just three years ago I was SLAYING goals on a daily basis. At that point in time, I was in the best shape of my life as a mid-30 year old mama.

Now here I am….I struggle to move. I get tired and am out of breath going up the stairs in my home. I have gained back so much weight that it honestly makes me want to cry. Some days I crawl up the stairs and most nights I cry myself to sleep due to the pain & discomfort.

If I was to be honest with myself, I am beginning to realize that I have spent the last year hating my body. I have hated the way it fights me; I have hated the way I do not have control over what I can and cannot do; I have hated the way it has changed its shape over the year.

Now, I know I am going to have some amazing people in my life remind me that the number on the scale does not define me & that my body is beautiful no matter the shape. I love you all for that, I do.

But, I am also being real here & I know that I am not alone about not loving what you see in the mirror every morning. I am not the only one who, at times, doesn’t love her body. {I wish I was!}

I have resented my body for the past year. Today, I went for a nice slow, leisurely walk at lunch which is about the extent of what I am allowed to do these days. While I was putting one foot in front of the other, like I have for years, I realized how I felt about my body. It hit me.

Falling in love with running a few years ago equaled me falling in love with myself. Running gave me a gift that very few people can ever comprehend. It made me feel alive. It helped me find myself. I was addicted to that feeling after a good run, where sweat was dripping, my heart was racing, my runners high kicking in and accepting an answer that I probably found while covering the miles.

Today I realized that now my body has limitation and restrictions and I am pissed off at it. But, I know that I need to let go of that passion of mine that made me feel alive, that addiction I am no longer able to chase after.

I need to let go and trust that I will find a new love, a new passion. I need to let go of that competitive athlete in me and I will need to find a new way to channel that piece of me.

More importantly, I need to accept my body for what it is and what it will never be again. I  need to let go of the shame I feel for gaining back the weight I worked so hard to lose. I am not and will never be a six-pack mama or hell, even a two-pack ab mama; which is totally cool with me!

What I will become is a woman who will learn to love her body all over again; a woman who will fight to find herself at a much healthier weight; a woman who will continue to fight for better medical options & answers; a woman who will no longer strive for perfection & will only strive for a simple real life.

So a new adventure awaits. The runner in me has run her miles, collected her medals & accomplished feats that many people will never even begin to try. But, now I look ahead to new challenges and new accomplishments. IMG_3780

 

Until Next Time~

Aug 3
2017

Damn Proud

I will admit that for a while recently I was in kind of a dark place. I was depressed, cried multiple times a day, laid on my couch and didn’t…or couldn’t…move.

It is hard for me to remember the runner I once was. In all honesty, I look at pictures from my full marathon and it seems almost like such a blur that I must have imagined the entire thing up. There is no way I could run 26.2 miles.

I mean, right now I can barely get out of bed or off the couch. If you have never experienced constant daily pain, it wears you down. Not just physically. But emotionally, mentally. Most days all I really want to do is to cut off my foot so the pain can stop – the constant numbing/tingling/shooting pain.

But, thankfully I have some people in my life that loved me through my darkness and because they stood there helping, guiding, supporting & yes, squeezing my foot at times, today I feel as if I have found myself out of that dark place.

No, I still do not know exactly what is wrong. I will have testing done on all the nerves in both legs this next week.

More importantly, let’s chat about this morning. You see, any time that I lace up to workout I have zero idea what will happen. Some days I can fight through the pain and do some things; while others the pain can come on so strong and so great that stretching is about the limit.

This morning I laced up to go outside in the fresh air and the goal was to simply walk one lap around my development. The funny part is that trying to walk at a speed to be considered somewhat calorie burning, it actually pulls on my leg muscles (my calf muscles are too short for the deformity in my foot) so much worse & creates a raging fire inside. So, today, I thought: what the hell.

I decided to try to WOG. Yes, wog. It’s about the speed of a walk but in the form of a jog. This allowed me to take the smallest, shortest strides you may have ever seen. But, it allowed me to keep the fire in my calves to a much smaller degree.

So, no, I am not saying this was pain-free. The tendon in my foot/leg that they have talked about needing to transfer was pissed at me….but that is every day life. Some numbness/tingling happened in my foot.

But, I finally have realized that I need to love my body and appreciate it for everything it is and everything it is not. It is not easy to accept such a huge step backwards in term of my overall fitness level.

However, today I felt B.A. as I wogged ONE mile at a pace slower than you probably walk.IMG_3205.JPG

I’m damn proud y’all & I love my body today, pain and all, more than I did yesterday.

Never fear starting over. Accept those times you find yourself feeling as if you are all the way at the beginning. Any journey you take provides you with growth; think of just how incredible this one has the potential to be.

FYI – it took me 13:39 plus a pause on the stop watch at the half-way point to stretch out….so you’re looking at over 15:00 and still damn proud & feeling BA!

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Until Next Time~

Jul 21
2017

In That Moment

Three years ago when I began writing and actually sharing my writings, I promised to be real and raw.

I promised to be vulnerable, which means I promised to have the courage to show up and be seen. No matter what. No matter how scary it can be at times.

This week I have hid myself a bit. I have been stuck in a struggle. I told myself that I would not allow my hopes to get up as I approached a week with a few more doctor appointments. But, that just was not the way it played out.

Yesterday in the midst of total fear, disappointment, worry, stress I had the chance to be inspiring. I had the chance to show others my strength. But, instead I showed my weakness; I showed me.

After three appointments this week and a MRI of my spine, I climbed into my car leaving the last appointment for the week at 5:20 yesterday and immediately said, “I need a drink.” In that moment I was torn. I had prayed my spine would not be the cause as back problems seem to never go away, but yet at the same time, I still did not have an answer. There were even more questions asked and a few possible scenarios to look at that scare me immensely.

As we drove to the brewery, my tears fell down from behind my sunglasses. The fear and stress of still not knowing was too much. I posted on social media a picture of my flight of beers showing that it was how I was choosing to deal with the fact another week brought me no answers. Guess what? I also ordered a chicken wrap and sweet potato fries and enjoyed every bite. IMG_2260

I almost hid my choices; I debated hiding my weakness in a time of defeat. But, this is me. I am just a mom who is NOT striving to be perfect. Life is too short to aim for perfection.

Currently, I am just a mom who has to explain to her doctors that she went from being an incredibly active woman to one who now just sits and lets life pass her by.

When your doctors officially label you as a “mystery” and no one can quite determine what is wrong it weighs on you. Living with this daily pain starts to make you feel crazy. You question what you feel, you question yourself when the doctors ask you questions, you just start to feel like you have officially lost it and no longer know anything. You’re tired in a way that sleep does not help.

You are depressed. You cry. You cry because you physically hurt. You cry because not knowing what is wrong with your body weighs so heavy on you. You just cry.

I keep thinking I should stop with “Krisha’s Quest” because I feel lost in my journey; I have no direction. All that I can share is that I am a mom who tries hard to love her own imperfections. I am just a mom who is not afraid to show she doesn’t always pick the healthiest options. I am just a mom who after stressful days or situations loves to enjoy a drink; especially while spending time with her people.

I am not the mom to follow if you want perfection. I am not the one to follow if you want someone to show they choose a salad and a water every day. IMG_2263

 

For now, I carry on trying my best despite the emotional struggles that my physical body is causing. For now, I carry on at times hiding my tears behind sunglasses. For now, I carry on just trying to make it through each day and I can’t promise you a sweaty selfie every day. I can’t promise you a perfect healthy meal daily. For now, I just need to love my people big and I need to take care of me.

Medically, my doctors have increased my nerve medicine to a significantly higher dose and in two weeks I return to have nerve testing done on both of my legs and pray that maybe on that day, I will not have to continue being a mystery and perhaps we can learn something.

So, here I am. Sometimes I forget my goals because life happens. Sometimes I struggle with food being a comfort for me. Sometimes I am weak. But, all the time, I am me and I’m not afraid to admit that.

Until Next Time~

Jul 14
2017

Every Once In A While…

Over the past few weeks, I have sat down to brainstorm my thoughts for a post. I have sat down and scribbled thoughts. But, nothing was taking. I was feeling empty. I was lacking….everything.

If there is one thing I have learned over time is that even the most positive people in your life, every once in a while, just need to scream for a minute or two. They need you to just listen to it; let them vent. Let them get the negativity out and for that moment in time, that person just needs you to say, “yes, it sucks.” We need that time to just feel what it is we are feeling & know that it’s okay to not find the light at the end of the tunnel.

Because, sometimes we do not care anymore about there being a light at the end of the tunnel simply because we are just tired of being in the tunnel.

Once we have these moments, we let it out, we scream, we cry, we do whatever the heck it is we need to do….and then, in the blink of an eye, we go back to focusing on the light at the end of the tunnel.

This is why I could not find a blog post in me. I was trying to search for the positives so much that my soul was tired. Every once in a while, I needed to stop searching for the light, I needed to not wear a smile and I needed to not have to hide how I was truly feeling.

I found myself in a complete breakdown of tears yesterday after posting in my Facebook fit camp group about struggling with wanting to show up for my workouts. A good friend of mine wrote this back to a comment of mine about having no “why” & I lost it:

“Dig deep and find it. Even though with the pain you’re in it will be difficult to answer the question. Is it so that you get 30 mins to dedicated to celebrating YOU? Is it so that you can handle the demands of coaching and other practices? Is it so that at the end of the day if you get through nothing you wanted to do that you can still say “I did that!” Even if your why today, changes tomorrow it’s about the reason for it”.

Daily, I struggle with feeling defeated. I have lived a life in motion for that past six years. Crossing starting lines and chasing down finish lines. I have rarely sat down, I was always on the move with myself or the people in my life.

Fast forward to the present and most days, I make my daughter sit on my feet because the tingling and numbing is so strong that I truly want to cut my feet off & I cannot get off the couch. I try to workout, even if it’s just lifting weights with my upper body, but even that can cause pain and the numbing to shoot down my lower body. Yes, even yoga ignites a fire in my leg.

Yesterday, it hit me that I needed to do some serious self-reflection. I needed to do some digging, I needed to find a purpose….maybe even one I can do from the couch with my daughter or my guy sitting on or squeezing my feet.

This morning I awoke to a private message from someone asking for some advice on their own health journey despite some physical struggles they endure. This person has no idea how much a fire began to burn inside of me again simply by her asking for advice for so many reason.

It hit me this morning how much I have been FOCUSED on feeling defeated. I have never been one to ever let defeat push me down, yet, here I am allowing it. Daily. The person you speak to the most in your life is yourself; the messages I have been giving myself are so wrong.

In the middle of so many life changes, I think I forgot who I was. I forgot I was a woman who started her journey at 200 pounds & was able to change. I forgot I was a woman who finished a full marathon during the darkest period of her life that was the loneliest journey one could ever imagine. This woman is still inside me, I just forgot about her.

Today, I remember who I am. Now, the game changes.

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Until Next Time~

Jun 20
2017

I Write

Hundreds of notebooks over the years hold my words, my thoughts. Ever since high school, I wrote. I would write when I was hurting; write when I was happy. I would write to work through the dark thoughts in my mind; I would write to remember the memories I wanted to hold close.

I write for many reasons. Here I write so I can remember what I have worked through, so I can remember what I accomplished, so I can remember the uphills and the downhills on this journey we call life.

I write for me. Often I do get messages that my words hit someone right in the heart and that makes the fear of vulnerability worth it.

Today, I am writing because I need to let go of what I am holding in and I need to inspire myself to move forward. Today, I am writing because I have allowed myself to shut down and I need to pull myself out of this place.

Here is the thing about sharing — you always know someone is going to read it and laugh at you or whatever thought may come into their mind but if there is one thing life has taught me is that you never can understand anyone’s journey. Really, most days I don’t even understand me let alone someone else. You cannot judge someone’s thoughts or feelings and you certainly cannot tell them how to feel.

Honestly, I have been in a dark place lately and I haven’t been able to shake it. I have struggled even getting on social media as I would literally turn to tears at the sweaty selfies I would scroll by but yet in a weird way I needed to see them too. They still inspired me. I knew the past few years that working out and those incredible endorphins helped me greatly emotionally and mentally. But, it has been the past few weeks that I have realized how much; it’s like my anti-depressant. It gave me so many positive vibes in more ways than I can explain and I will never be able to explain how much I miss it and need it.

My frustrations have been high and a feeling of hopelessness keeps winning. A year later and seven specialists and lots of physical therapy and every day my pain and discomfort continues to grow. I do not sleep well at night because my pain is too great. I feel helpless around the house because simple things like carrying a laundry basket up and down the steps does a number on me. Yesterday I found myself with tears down my face sitting at my desk at work because I hurt so greatly. It can range from feeling like a fire inside, to a knife stabbing in and twisting to complete numbing where I feel as if I cannot move my toes or at times, my leg. It’s in my thigh, my knee, my calf and down to my toes.

I know I need to see the positive that things have been ruled out. The MRI on my knee shows just normal wear and tear with some little signs of arthritis but nothing that would cause pain in someone like I’m experiencing. In other words, my knee is fine and is not the cause of these symptoms.

I have switched to a much better foot doctor that I trust a million times more which is another positive. We are trying one more attempt at something for a few weeks and then we will evaluate if any relief has come or if we need to discuss surgery more in-depth.

Both my knee doc and foot doctors agree the leg pain has nothing to do with the knee and that my foot is also not the source of all the pain I have. I have now been referred on to yet another specialist to have spine and nerves evaluated.

I struggle because the mom that I dreamed about being for years, the kind of mom I wanted to be that pushed me daily, is not the mom I am right now. Some days I have to tell my kids “no” when they ask if I can catch them pitching. We cannot lace up together and go for a fun jog, we cannot go out and play some basketball; we cannot even go out to the drive for a fun game of four square.

Despite my hopelessness last week after getting really no answers on Friday after two appointments and the urge to just say, “I give up,” I know I cannot. I have to keep pushing, I have to keep trying, I have to keep moving on to the next doctor until I can find a way to at least go back to playing a little more with my girls in the yard.

So, today, I write so that I can work out the frustrations and so that I can let go of the hopeless feeling. I write because through my words I see that as long as I am willing to keep trying, something great will be on the road ahead. I have no idea how long this road is going to be but I know I have to keep moving regardless of how slow my body forces me to go.

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Until Next Time~

Jun 6
2017

My Next Move

If you have been following my blog or social media, you know I have hinted towards changes and making choices based off of what is truly right for me.

I have struggled with my weight since college. I have tried so many stupid things over the past eighteen years: unhealthy fads, drinks, pills….you name it.

I cannot hide the fact that over the past year or so I have slid so far backwards. My weight is higher than a number I promised myself I would ever get back to in my life.  I can feel the extra weight I’m carrying. I can see it too, but I struggle more with the “feel”
of it.

Over time I have found how there is certainly not a one size fits all approach to a healthy lifestyle. But, I have learned what works for me and what does not.

Just shy of nine years ago, I carried my two week old baby in her car seat into a Weight Watchers meeting. I joined that day and still to this day I attend the meetings: same leader today, some of the same faces, & my mom who has always gone with me.

I lost 55 pounds & I maintained it for years. At some point in the past three years I stopped following the plan even though I attended the meetings. I thought it led me to eating too many processed things & I wanted to clean that up.

Well, today, I admit that in the past three years I have tried many things and now here with thirty pounds to lose.

I recently made the decision to start following the new Weight Watchers program. The issues I had with it a few years ago have been solved with its new calculations as it truly leads us away from sugar and processed junk.

I already feel more content and in control than I have in so long. I have truly had a shift in mindset & that is what I needed. For me, this is the type of program that fits into my lifestyle. I don’t do well when I feel I am super restricted and honestly, my “on the go always” life sometimes requires me to grab things that recently I had to feel such guilt & a feeling of failure for grabbing. Now, I just track it & move on.

Today, I am doing what is best for me. I have had to close some doors & walk away from opportunities that just did not seem to fit into my life right now. But, my desire to live a healthy lifestyle has not diminished. So, now I will be here sharing my journey with no pressure to prove anything works; just my journey that is truly for me.

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I hope you find some inspiration from my journey. I hope you know that if you are in the same place as me today {back to a number you promised you would never see again} you will know you are worth starting again today.

This is my journey of imperfect progress.

Until Next Time~

Jun 2
2017

The Hustle

I have shared a lot on here lately about being in a new season. I have shared finding myself in the woods alone totally unraveling but needing to follow the small glimmer of light. I have shared that I have lost myself and making decisions for others or based on outside expectations instead of my own.

That light, that small glimmer shining down, gave me the answers. I realized lately that I had lost sight of some of my priorities, things were getting tangled up. I felt this incredible pressure; the load I was carrying was just too great.

I would read or listen to personal development daily and could not find the answers. What was it that I was struggling with?

Last week I sat at sixth grade camp as a parent chaperone free from phone service and no social media. I sat there watching my daughter: the way her smile spreads across her face, the way her forehead looks when she is focused, the way her giggle comes from her toes.

In that moment I realized the only thing I wanted to hustle after was moments like that. I want to focus on those small moments of life, the small details that get missed when we hustle after more.

That glimmer of light reminded me of what life can be like if we are not living it distracted from our true values.

I know that I am incredibly blessed because my parents worked so hard and have built our family a legacy; I absolutely love coming to work every day with my family and working together towards a bright future. This is where I am meant to hustle and when I leave work at the end of a day, the only hustle I want to live is the one with the special people in my life.

I still have many passions. I still am passionate about living a healthy lifestyle and wanting that for others. I am incredibly passionate about coaching kids and this is a piece of my life I will never let go of.

Today what I am most passionate about is not missing the details of life that seem so small but yet bring peace to your heart that words can never express. Today I am passionate about the people in my life. Today I am passionate about coaching kids and building them up for a stronger future. Today I am passionate about staying true to the type of mom and woman I want to be.

Today I am passionate about not hustling after more and just being grateful for every little thing I have in my life.

Today I will watch my daughter’s face light up with her giggle that comes from her toes and I will not be too distracted to giggle with her.
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Until Next Time~

Jun 1
2017

Unraveled…

Sometimes you find yourself feeling so lost; you find yourself having no idea about the direction you should go.

When I find myself there: it is like I am standing in the middle of the woods with no trail to follow. I’m alone; the only sounds I hear are coming straight from nature. It’s scary. There is only a tiny glimmer of sunlight shining through the tree tops. 

These are the moments where we have to look inside. We can no longer look to outside views, ideas, expectations. The only person we can rely on is ourselves. The only way to find our way out of the woods is to dig inside: you need to find that clarity on what the next right move is. You need to figure out which direction it is that you really want to go.

This moment has to be about you: your values, your personal expectations, your desires, your dreams.

Recently, I have found myself right in this place. I had to turn inward as I realized I was truly lost. What was it I needed? What did I want? What was missing?

I had to find a new way to search for answers as the old way of lacing up and pounding out the miles on the search for an answer is gone.

I have had moments of darkness. I have had moments where I felt like I was unraveling at warp speed and there was no stopping me.

Until now, in this moment, I see that unraveling was needed. I needed to unravel all the “stuff” of life. I had to find myself alone in the darkness and call on myself to find a way out,

The secret to this moment, this moment of clarity where I see I need to do what is best for me and for my family, was this:

It might have appeared dark in the woods, but there was always a glimmer of light shining through. 

That light was what I had to follow.

Until Next Time

May 23
2017

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