I closed my eyes to see. The assignment was to write down anything and everything you want for your life. What do you want, where do you live, what do you do, where do you go? Anything you hope for in life, see it and write it down.
I sat there thinking. I had my very first thought, I knew what I wanted.
I did not see some stunning mansion in a breathtaking location. I did not see myself traveling the world. I did not see me with fancy items and a pile of money.
I saw health.
Lame, right? Perhaps. But maybe because I have lost it. Maybe because I have not lived a day pain-free since maybe 2015. Maybe because I have been battling more health issues & illnesses than one would ever know. Maybe because my body has been filled with so many prescription drugs that I lived in a depressive daze & felt as if every common sense topic was difficult to comprehend. Maybe because I can wake up and be carrying so many extra pounds of inflammation.
Yes, CRPS has done a number on my body in every way possible.
There was also another time I laid in a hospital bed so very sick for five days. I laid there struggling to breathe and felt some form of guilt & shame for not taking better care of myself. I laid there wondering who this body even belonged to. Krisha was gone, she didn’t live here.
The battle for me, for better health, is so damn hard. Every day I come face to face with a roadblock. Every day I could so easily make the choice to give up, sit back down on the couch & blame CRPS and claim that I’m just supposed to live the rest of my life unhealthy because I’m “sick.”
But, I am worth more. I deserve more. I want more.
When I close my eyes & look into my future: in one year, in five years, ten, twenty, all I want is to live life healthy. Total health.
Total health includes it all: physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually.
You see, I can live in a mansion overlooking the ocean or mountains in a place with the perfect climate for my foot every day but if I don’t have my health, I would never be able to enjoy it the way my heart would want to.
I would want to be able to go out every day & adventure around. I would have the energy to live my days fully. I would have the mobility to hike, explore, experience all of God’s beauty.
I have been in the trenches of this journey for so long putting in the hard work no one can see, but it’s the work that makes you stronger. The mental, emotional & spiritual health; I have had to break down walls, deal with the darkness in order to find the light again.
As I scribe this feeling incredible after a nice forty minute walk on my treadmill, I am beyond grateful for the strides I have been able to make but I’m ready to go further now.
As hard as this journey is and will be, the constant two steps forward and one step back, I’m going to write more about it. I think I’m in for one hell of a ride and someday I know I will want to come back and read every line.
Health. Total health. This is the dream I’m chasing.
Until Next Time~
I too have crps along with a plethora of other things happening. It seems like since I got crps my health over all has plummeted. I decided this year it’s going to change. I have accepted I will always have crps but if I can get all the rest of this stuff better then dealing with the crps won’t be as bad. I found a functional medicine doctor over 2 hrs away and I am going to finally go. I put it off because they are more expensive and don’t accept ins but they get to the root of the problem and treat that instead of treating the symptoms. My goal for this year is to be able to grocery shop alone, go for a walk around the block, drop some weight that crps and meds helped me gain. Last but certainly not least set an example for my kids that I can LIVE with crps and not just get by with crps. I wish you a wonderful year on your journey to being healthier and I look forward to following your story.
Yes, Yes, Yes! Love your thoughts & thank you so much for sharing them with me!!! Learning how live with CRPS instead of just trying to survive is so big & life-changing! Good for you for exploring the functional med doc too! That’s awesome!!! We can do do this!! I look forward to hearing how your journey is going!