Dark.

This is the page that is hard to write. This is part I wish I could skip. But, I have had so many people reach out to me, complete strangers especially, thanking me for being so bold which has helped them in their our journeys.

So, today I write about the dark season I have been in. The darkest days I have encountered.

The main decision in proceeding with my DRG Stimulator was the hope that I would, someday, be off of my prescription medicines.

It did not take too long of being on these medicines (on the maximum doses) to notice the changes in me. I literally felt like a zombie; I had no energy, no vibes even. There was nothing to me; my personality was gone. They literally made me feel dumb.

The simplest problems were incredibly difficult for me. Simple math or simple words. It was so hard to process information. As a mom, I really struggled to process mom life things.

I had to ask my husband for help anytime I had to think through anything. At one point, he even commented on how slow & confused I always seemed to be and how it worried him. I had to double-check, triple-check, everything I did at work. I once considered myself to have some bit of intelligence; that version of me was long gone.

We do not even have to mention or chat about the weight I have gained on my meds.

Just over a month ago I was tired of feeling this way. At the time we were just tweaking & searching for my magic spot with my stimulator but I woke up one day & realized I was done.

I was no longer willing to live life like this. Actually, I was not living.

I did a lot of research and talked with so many other CRPS warriors on the same meds. I decided it was time. I began to slowly reduce my daily dose.

A few weeks ago, I took my last prescription pill.

It took me a while to start to realize the withdrawal symptoms I was feeling.

I have had a headache since that day. I have felt sick; my stomach so uneasy. My head feels weird. I have not slept well most nights; I feel like my body is on the edge of an anxiety attack & cannot relax. My skin feels weird as if there are a million ants crawling on me.

The worse part was the scariest one that took me time to put it all together.

Dark. I mean dark.

I cried nonstop. I had scary thoughts. At times, I laid in bed in a pool of tears feeling as if I was such a burden to my family & life would be easier on them if they did not have to take care of me anymore.

They were just small thoughts that ran through my mind for only seconds at a time. But, they were there.

I finally put it together. My body, mentally & physically, was going through it’s withdrawal & every moment of it was hell.

It was scary.

I cannot tell you the number of times due to the way I was feeling & my CRPS pain that I almost reached for the bottle of pills. It is beyond anything you can even imagine unless you have walked through this.

Today, I sit here, feeling thankful that I have not touched those pills again & for the first time since 2017 I do not feel like I am a zombie moving around in a fog so heavy I cannot see an inch ahead.

I can imagine this decision is hard for some to understand. For me, it came down to deciding even if I have to live life with some pain every day, I can handle that better than the way I have felt. Pills were just not my answer.

I share this dark season to let others know when it is time for them to detox from their super high dose of prescriptions that it can get scary. Do not go it alone. I did not tell my husband what I was doing until I started to feel weak and scared. I should have told him before I began.

But, also I share because you never really know what someone is fighting behind closed doors. The compliment I have heard throughout my life the most has been about my positive mindset. Here, I shared that sometimes the one you think is the most positive can be hiding some really dark thoughts.

If you are in that spot, I am here for you. You are worthy & you are so incredibly strong.

It’s going uphill from here, my friends. I truly believe that.

Until Next Time~