I Forget

It is true. Sometimes I forget.

I forget until I pull my pants off & they catch the corner.

How is that for a strange opening to a blog post? But, this is my life.

Sometimes I forget how my life is now. I forget how my body works. But, then, sometimes I remember when my pants catch on the corner of my battery pack that sits inside my lower back on my left side. It used to sit smoother inside but has since popped out.

I have become used to feeling pain that those moments where my pain ranges as low as the 1-2 range out of 10, I do not feel like myself. Those moments are abnormal to me.

I am ecstatic to say, but also a bit afraid to jinx myself, that after our fourth (I think??) reprogramming of my DRG stimulator on Friday, things have been feeling better.

Yesterday morning I woke up early before work and put in fifteen minutes on our treadmill. I could very easily joke about the slowness of my pace, but that is not why I am on it. Speed means nothing because all I want to do is move.

This morning I awoke hoping for a repeat. But, this time my body had to jump off at just barely seven minutes.

I cannot control my CRPS.

But, I can control my attitude, my outlook, my thoughts. Sure, there was a part of me frustrated that my body is not able to walk at a very slow pace for fifteen minutes.

Instead I reminded myself that, more importantly, I got a decent night of sleep (for a CRPS fighter our definition of a decent night of sleep is far different from a healthy person) and I was able to get up out of bed this morning & make it to the basement.

When you know where I have been, those two actions feel like I climbed a significantly steep hill & this morning I stood on the top with my arms in the air yelling, “I made it.” Today I do not even care that there is still a mountain behind this hill that I will need to climb; I’m going to stay in this moment. In today.

I smiled even as I turned the treadmill off, because for the past year there were many days where I did not believe I would ever be able to say either of those. I will admit that for so long I focused on what I could not do.

I had to change that mindframe so lately I have taken a really big step back from scrolling through social media. I found myself quite often saying, “I wish…” “Must be nice.” “You have no idea….”

I would watch fitness accounts complaining about time off due to a little muscle issue, I would see new moms worried more about when their six weeks would be up to workout again from giving birth, I would see people complain about how slow they could move or if they did not hit their max goal on their weights for a day.

I realized how my life has changed: my perspective, my goals & my body has changed looking at those accounts & went back in & unfollowed those that made me feel this negatively.

You never really can know the value of health until you know the value.

My body has changed. My health has changed.

Things that once mattered or seemed to be very important no longer are to me. Instead of scrolling through social media feeling the negativity in my mind build up, I will move forward every day with a heart filled with gratitude of the roads I have traveled & for any roads ahead.

Sometimes I forget. I forget my body has a battery inside & is controlled by an iPod. But, I will never forget where I have been or what I navigated through to get here today.

Until Next Time~