38.

I wanted to skip it. It was not about a number, that has never bothered me. I have always believed that each year was a gift. Then, my life changed. I changed.

It was about the fact that I feel like I just laid here for my 37th year letting the world pass me by. I spent three hundred sixty-five days waiting….waiting for something to help me feel better.

I spent more nights in my 37th year crying myself to sleep than the rest of my life. Some nights it was about pain, some nights it was the emotional toll CRPS had caused, some nights it was both.

I laid in bed as the clock struck midnight and it became November 25th with tears again falling into my pillow and when morning hit, I did not want to get out of bed. I did not want to start another year, I wanted to avoid it.

All week I have felt tired. But not the tired that a long nap or a good nights sleep fixed. It’s a tired that goes way deeper than that, a tired way beyond that. A tired many people cannot understand.

Yesterday I locked myself in my room because I realized how much I was not acting like me. I have been so moody lately, so quick to blow a fuse and start yelling. As our friends pulled into the driveway, I had to pep talk myself to put on my smile that I am so good at wearing.

We have yet to get the programming right on my DRG Stimulator and the pain, at times, is even more intense than before surgery. I know there is also so much going on internally with the many meds and changes in meds since surgery four weeks ago. Not to mention, the struggle emotionally and mentally that has clearly been a struggle.

I spent the week saying I wanted to skip my birthday, I did not want to get up this morning, but I reminded myself what I have for over a year and a reminder that came from a birthday gift from my bestie:

My day began with reminding myself that I’m so fortunate to experience my 38th day. I made a promise to myself that this year was going to be a year of great self-discovery, love, strength and growth that by the time 39 comes along, so much of this will be a distant memory I will only being able to recall from having shared my story here.

Until Next Time~