Rocking.

I am sitting here, or, I have been sitting here for twenty minutes. I am on the edge of my bed, my “good” foot touching the floor while my CRPS foot dangles in the air. I’m rocking.

Back and forth.

The rocking is in line with my breathing, or that is the goal anyway.

You see, here I am again, tears running down my face.

I was laying in bed, ready to close my eyes when suddenly it felt like an electric shock flying through my body, I screamed as I went reaching for my iPod that controls my stimulator to turn it down. I had turned it up about twenty minutes before as the CRPS pain in my foot began burning brighter by the minute.

The crazy part was just about two hours prior I put my good vibes out into the universe posting this:

“Sure, today was a Monday. But, my realization that each day is a gift becomes stronger every day even if it’s one that’s a struggle. There are always so many things I can find to feel so grateful for.

Today I had my stimulator technology reprogrammed and while they were testing and flipping the leads, the pain across my back was absolutely crazy, like make me scream! They gave me 2 different programs to test over the next week before my follow-up with the surgeon. The programs usually take a few days to know if they will help so I’m hopeful that by Turkey day the program I’m on now will kick in and the day can be spent with lower pain!”

Now, I sit here full of fear. Tears are streaming down my face and all I keep saying out loud is “Please.”

Please work. Please stop hurting so bad. Please stop testing me. Please stop scaring me. Please let this help me. Please, please, because I’m just not that strong anymore.

These nights of laying in tears and praying for the pain to subside are getting long.

As I have now laid back down, I keep finding myself gazing out the window looking for that glimmer of light to remind myself to keep my focus there. No matter how dark it may seem, if we focus on the light regardless of how big or small it is, we can remain hopeful and strong.

I find myself going back to my mind that tries its best to focus on gratitude. Even here, in this moment, I can find something I’m grateful for to focus on.

What? In this very moment, I’m thankful for my husband sleeping next to me, for his snoring letting me know he fell back asleep after checking on me ten times. As much as I joke with him about snoring, or in fact put his side of our sleep number bed on “partner snore” setting in the middle of the night, I will listen to his snoring every single night for the rest of my life if that means he is at my side.

He brings out the best in me, his love keeps me strong.

So, now I will lay my head down and say my prayers in hopes for this pain to allow me to close my eyes to combat this exhaustion.

Until Next Time~