Those Days….

I was going to post some picture this morning with some positive, inspiring quote. But, I realized that was fake.

If I had slapped some positive words up today, I would have been sharing a lie; it would not have been real. Who would that help? My intention here is to help others who face similar battles, to help someone who is beginning a journey that they have no idea what to expect & to let them know they are not alone.

Pretending that it is always sunshine & roses would be false. I want someone who is searching the internet for information on CRPS or the Dorsal Root Ganglion Stimulator to find me. I cannot tell you the number of times I have searched for other people’s stories.

Recovering from getting my permanent DRG stimulator in is like this:

A roller coaster ride where you cannot see ahead so you have no idea what to expect. You climb a hill, feeling good, only to find at the top that you are tumbling back down the hill hard & fast. Sometimes it feels like you are stuck, the wheels have stopped moving & there you sit in a dark place. Because you cannot see ahead so you have no idea how long the ride is but more terrifying than that is the fact you have no idea what is coming next.

I have hit that high hill feeling like a brand new woman & now I am stuck. My stimulator is no longer hitting my foot. When I increase the strength of the lead that covers my foot due to an increase in my CRPS symptoms, the stimulation is not hitting my foot at all & is instead hitting my calf. When I am sitting in certain ways or certain chairs, or laying down in certain positions, it is making the stimulation from my hip down to my calf very strong that I feel as if I am touching an electric fence but my finger is stuck & I cannot pull away.

Last night, I finally lost it. Because, yes, even those incredibly strong people you might know, they still breakdown. The pain in my foot made me sick to my stomach. I was trying so hard to hide behind the reality that it was not working right; I was trying to just show up strong & positive….until I came unraveled.

This entire process is hard. For the past year I have struggled with feeling like a burden but it has been multiplied so greatly. When you cannot bend down to pick up clothes from the floor, when you cannot twist your core at all, when you aren’t allowed to lift much of anything & cannot reach for anything above your chest…..I mean, you are pretty much helpless. Whether I am at home, at work, or at the grocery store even, I have to rely on others for everything. You feel like that annoying little pest. The lack of purpose, feeling like such a burden, overwhelmed with the unknowns, feeling helpless makes for really long days & these twelve weeks will feel like months & months. Especially when we still do not know if this is going to work.

So, for today, I am struggling with my positive words. Today I feel tired, I feel like the light inside is very dim. What I can tell you is that I have been here before; I have been through so many of these days where the battle feels so much larger than me. I have found days where I did demolish everything that came in my way; other days I found myself crawling on the ground wondering if I would ever make it out.

This week I have been slowly starting to fade into the background; wanting to be hidden so that no one would know how I was feeling.

Last night I sat in my room with tears falling down my face pleading that I was not strong enough for this fight anymore. I felt so weak, so done. I felt afraid; honestly so scared. “I’m not strong enough for this,” I heard myself say many times.

Today, I woke up. I woke up & got out of bed so that is a gift. As much as I still am feeling some of the same way I did last night, I also know how lucky I am to be upright.

Monday I will see the rep from the manufacturer of my stimulator to look at the programming settings. The fact that it is not working may not mean anything at all other than some needed reprogramming or it could mean something more.

So, this weekend I will continue on trying my best to stay in my state of gratitude, I will try my best to remind myself I’m not a burden, that even if I am not contributing much I am still of value. I will go back to practicing my breathing to fight through moments of great pain. I will carry on & somehow or another, I will believe that this will all be behind me someday…..because that is just who I am.

{Again, I do not share this story for a needed pep talk. Trust me, I pep talk myself daily. I share for those out there that need to know they are not alone & that how they are feeling is okay & they will get through it. Make a list of ten things you are grateful for right now & see your mood start to shift.}

Until Next Time~