It is no secret here. I have written a thousand blog posts on it. Honestly, it is how I have spent approximately the past twenty-five years of my life.
Wow. Writing that sentence just felt like I was punched in the gut.
Yup, I am writing about dieting. I have disliked my body for as long as I can remember. I was always the “solid” or “thick” one in my group of friends. No, I was not overweight at all. I played sports year round, was always working on my pitching & was a strong athlete.
Anyways, moving to the present.
Now, I sit here very overweight after gaining so much freaking weight being on some very strong prescription meds.
I wrote a month or so ago about breaking up with Weight Watchers after being an active member for 10+ years.
I began doing some real digging since then; doing some reading & listening to some podcasts.
What I have learned is that I have a disordered way of eating. One hundred percent.
Breaking up with the diet culture almost seems impossible at times. How do you stop looking at food & calculating how many points are on your plate or the colored containers you would have used or the number of calories there.
How do you learn that foods are not good or bad? I look at them & cannot help but label each item.
When do you learn that your self-worth is not determined by if you were “good” or “bad” that day, if you stayed within your points or what the number on the scale is?
Like when do you look at an avocado & tell yourself to measure out JUST a quarter of it so you do not consume too many calories? It’s amazing how when you stop measuring it & just use what you need that it does not end up being a ton! This is probably around a quarter but with a totally different mindset. 
I am learning to tune into my body to hear what it needs. A yummy salad with cheese (omg….yes, cheese!!!) on top along with other toppings eaten out of self-love tastes a million times better than one forced to be eaten out of this culture of dieting we live in.
{Please do not think I am telling you that you should not be living in diet culture. I’m sharing my life, my experiences & the fact that I just cannot live that way anymore. I need to heal these relationships. Like everything here on my blog, I share about what I’m going through, my life.}
So, I am here. I have dug in. My relationship with food & my body is being worked on. The cycle of disordered eating needs to stop. There is so much for me to unpack.
I’m all in.
Until Next Time~
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