It amazed me how quickly I found myself slipping back again, back to that place.
It’s familiar there and quite frankly, it’s easy.
I sat there building up the layers, the wall. I do not want anyone else to see inside this place. I want to hide it all.
But then I realize hiding is not the best choice. It’s dark there, REALLY. DARK. Lonely. And once you find yourself in this place, it can be so hard to fight your way back out.
However, this week I found slipping back into that dark place is so easy. Scary easy. I started to hide. I hid from my husband. I stopped sharing. I wanted to hide it all.
After being afraid of slipping back into the darknesses, I had a moment with myself that I cannot forget this journey. I don’t want to forget every struggle I fought through.
I believe that SOME DAY I will be living life without pain and without a fight every day and I want to remember what it took to get there.
So, maybe this blog will be like my weekly journal where I will put into words everything. For me. For other CRPS warriors or other chronic pain fighters.
I want to remember those pep talks in the mirror with tears in my eyes telling myself that I am strong enough to get through my day.
I want to remember the other day when the pain was so intense but I needed to have on my sports Mom hat and a strong face in front of my kids that I had to fight back down vomit….my pain was that intense.
Yes, pain attacks you all over, in every way you could imagine.
I want to remember the way a flare up feels. When I cannot stand my sock, let alone a shoe but yet the air is worse. I want to remember trying not to scream as my husband accidentally tossed covers on my side of the bed and they hit my foot. A sheet. It barely weighs a thing but to me it weighs so much.
I want to remember standing in the shower with tears screaming down my face as I just stood there and prayed.
I want to remember feeling like my foot is on fire, and then feeling the fire burn up into my calf. I want to remember the way the fire felt as if it was burning brighter with every step.
I want to remember that I now go days without doing my hair and quite often, my teenage daughter does it for me. Showering, sometimes, is just not really even an option.
I want to remember when I had to be real and tell my husband that when I say “I’m fine” to him it’s just me protecting him. It’s me not wanting to share with him how great my pain is, or the moments I fought back down vomit, or the tears that I hid emptying the dishwasher. Because he just feels helpless and then tries to carry the load all alone. So I protect him.
I want to remember. Because someday I will no longer feel this pain. Someday I will be in remission or a cure will be found or my DRG stimulator will work one hundred percent. CRPS will be a past chapter in my story.
Sometimes I already am amazed at how I have already forgotten some moments or struggles I went through.
I want to remember.
Until Next Time~
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