Why I Had to End It

This decision was one that took so much soul-searching. After ten years, I was ending what had become a part of my life. But, it just no longer fit. It could not fit.

Ever have something you just keep forcing, telling yourself you need it. Every day you believe you will find the way to make it fit into your life.

Until one day, you realize. It is time for a new way of living; it is time to start down the road that keeps calling your name that you keep trying to ignore.

Ten years ago, I walked into Weight Watchers with a two-week old baby & overweight. I had great success, losing over 55 pounds & becoming a Lifetime member. I truly do love WW & am thankful for the friends I made during my years. A month ago, I officially canceled my WW membership.

About a year ago, I began to struggle with my weight greatly as I began to start dealing with chronic pain.

I kept trying to make WW fit. I went to my meetings, I tried to count my points. I tried counting calories & I have counted color-coded containers. I tried keto, I tried macros. In terms of “diets” I have tried them all.

I have struggled with body image for as long as I can remember & I am over it. Trying to lose weight right now, labeling foods with points, not eating foods that are really good for me to eat but are too high in points that I would not want to use that many (avocados, almonds, etc) does not fit into my life anymore.

I am the size I am. I am taking several meds that a handful have the side effect of weight gain & I know they have caused me to gain. There are days my body is unable to really move at all & when it can move, I don’t want to workout because I need to burn off calories or earn points. I want to workout because I can & because it just feels good. Like this morning.

I am going to focus on simply taking care of me without stressing about the points or the calories on a food or what container it might fit into. I am doing some research on intuitive eating, which has really caused me to do a lot of internal digging & coming face to face with what I needed to.

I am seeing how much of a horrible relationship I have with food & honestly, my body. I have been stuck in a vicious cycle for so long of restrictive dieting followed by bingeing. I binge. I binge big. This all leads me to even lower self-worth & more guilt. Then, I start all over. So unhealthy.

It is time to walk away from the diet culture that surrounds us. I am going to start down this new road & learn to love my body; I’m going to learn that food & guilt do not come hand-in-hand. I no longer care about your judgement or about the messages that surround us every day.

For months I have not wanted to purchase any new clothes in the sizes that would fit me currently believing I would be able to fit into my clothes in the closet soon. Perhaps some day I might. But, for now, I went ahead & purchased a few new things because why shouldn’t I just feel good now? In this size. In this shape. This is me.

Now, for just taking care of me, loving me, & learning how to listen to what my body really needs & allowing it to have it. I’m going to move forward on fixing the negative relationship I have with food & really becoming what I now believe to be, HEALTHY. Healthy at my size.

Until Next Time~