The Dress…

It was five days before. Five. At this point, the bride still had no idea what she was going to wear.

In a panic, I ordered six dressings via Amazon Prime thinking I had just enough time. On Wednesday I would know what I was wearing. My original dress I bought would be done with alterations & my shipment of the rest to try on would arrive.

The true problem: I do not know the woman in the mirror.

I stood there trying on the dress I had bought from the bridal shop so many different times. I kept telling myself it was fine, but the shape of the woman in the mirror just kept catching my eye.

My only explanation was that, this was not the size I had thought I would be when I got married.

At the same time, one reason I was excited about planning the entire thing just five weeks out was because the pressure to lose weight was gone. I knew that my soon-to-be hubby loved me regardless of what I looked like & the fact is that he tells me so many times a day how beautiful he finds me.

I call it my “Gabapentin weight.” That woman standing in the mirror I know is me, but I look at her almost feeling a little lost, feeling like I am lost inside her.

In the past few months, I have heard a lot of judgment about people who are chronically ill; some thrown my way. In fact, not that long ago, I read that “overweight people are basically just lazy” in a Facebook conversation; that we just needed to get off our butts.

I vented  my frustrations about what dress I would wear to my guy who told me I could wear my big red sweatpants with my hair in a ponytail and he would find me beautiful. In fact, the day of our wedding when I was at the salon he texted me to tell me to not waste much time there as a ponytail and no makeup would be just perfect for him.

I began to realize that regardless of what I wore the outcome at the end of the day would still be the same.

We would be married. That was all that mattered. Our love. Our unconditional love for each other.

I have struggled with my body image for pretty much my entire life. I worked through so many of those issues four years ago. But now, I cannot seem to learn to love a body that causes me such great pain every day. I cannot seem to love the body that I wish I could jump out of.

I have been trying so hard for the past three months to try to lose some weight but as I continue on these prescription drugs, I cannot even seem to get the scale to stop moving up let alone for it to just stay still.

Learning to embrace my body is a struggle. Every day I work on this, every day I tell myself that some parts of this is just out of my control.

I need to learn to look in the mirror & see that the woman I am looking at is strong, she might be sick but she is wearing a smile for all of those around her, she is sporting her dark under eye circles from so many sleepless, painful hours each night but she is still up and fighting every day & loving those around her.

I wore the original dress the day I got married to my true love. I describe the day as “perfect” when anyone asks. Because it was.

Now, this is me, trying to learn how to embrace the mess I really am; this is me learning to accept my body just the way it is.

This is me sharing my story to maybe open up the eyes of those who claim overweight people are just lazy. When you look at someone, you truly have no idea what they are fighting, the war they might be in every single day.

Yes, I have gained back every pound I have ever lost. I’m here working through accepting that as I write this post. In fact, saying it here just made a world of difference.

I am going to continue to try to find a balance; try to keep seeing if I can lose & return to a healthier weight range but for now…

This is me. I am a mess. I am living with a disease that most people cannot even comprehend what my body goes through daily. I am overweight. I am taking prescription meds that I hate that cause their own set of problems.

And….I am going to work on loving all of this mess & embracing who I am now; today.

Until Next Time~