Apr 7
2017

Day 3….FRUMPY

Do you know those kinds of days? I woke up with a sore throat & stuffy head so I reset my alarm…or so I thought. I woke up super late to a “Good morning beautiful” text from my guy; couldn’t get a full shower; didn’t do my hair; only threw on some eye makeup & never did put concealer or foundation on my face; & rushed out the door in tennis shoes & a baggy sweatshirt.

I dressed frumpy because I felt frumpy. I looked frumpy. This set the tone for my entire day.

I could have changed the day by the clothes I wore, I could have changed the day by taking just five minutes to do my hair.

Tired. Lazy. Zero motivation. All. Day. Long.

I got home and as soon as my girls left for their dad’s house, I headed upstairs to put on my workout clothes knowing that the longer I waited to do this, the higher the chances I would not push play. Well….I ended up crawling into bed using the excuse that I needed to reply to a few potential clients.

I’m not sure how long I laid there but I can tell you there was ZERO part of me that wanted to workout. I told myself I could double up tomorrow. I told myself one day doesn’t really matter. I told myself that I was just too tired. I told myself that I really didn’t care that much.

In that moment I cared more about being lazy than I did my goals.

This is the reason I always say that you cannot rely solely on motivation. Motivation comes and goes. I could have laid there & read 100 quotes, I could have looked at 10 success stories. It would not have worked in that moment.

Discipline….that’s what you have to lean on. I forced myself up to change reminding myself that I had set goals….HUGE GOALS. I reminded myself that my challengers showed up today in our group, now it was my turn.

I had to force myself. I told myself that excuses simply could not win unless I wanted to give up on my goals for the 1,000,000th time in my 36 years.

I am not always motivated. I do not always want to workout. But, I do always have goals to keep me pushing. I do always have a strong why that I try to stay rooted in. I do have a supportive community that pushes me to show up daily. I do have discipline because at the end of the day, that’s how we become successful.

Successful people do what others are not willing to do.

By the conclusion of my sweat intervals workout, I no longer felt frumpy. In fact, I felt dang good. I felt proud, happy, confident.

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I followed that up with a yoga post-cardio workout from my On Demand library as my calves did give me some extra struggles.

Just to put the icing on the cake….this morning I put on a pair of jeans that I haven’t worn in months. They fit perfect. No squeezing in.

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Day 3….Max out at 7:49. A cross between the full move & the modifier.

Until Next Time~

Apr 6
2017

Day 2 & Non-Dairy Cheese

My day two started with me having to stop whatever I was doing to walk outside and stand in awe of this.

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No filter here. I like to start my days with listing at least three things I’m grateful for & I don’t mean every day I list the obvious things, like family, but I could not get much further than this amazing view & the promise that it brings with a new day; a fresh start.

My workout was Tabata Power & I love Tabata. I promised myself I was mostly sticking with the modifier considering on day one the fire in my leg came back with a vengeance & that was not a place I was willing to go again.

I maxed out at 11:50 but after that point, I will admit I really struggled pushing through the moves. Not because of my leg, but because I am a beginner. Because my endurance needs work and my strength needs to be built again. Guess what? Everyone started somewhere & even if they have started in the same place a handful of times, they are still trying. They have yet to give up & well, this is me.

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My food intake was good today. I had my vegan superfoods for breakfast at work. Coffee, chocolate….how could anyone go wrong?

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I will be honest & tell you that we have zero food in our home right now due to being out of town & I haven’t hit the grocery store yet. My lunch yesterday demonstrates that perfectly. The most boring salad. The other problem was that it left me hungry not long after eating it. Zero protein & was basically just lettuce.

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I hit that wall in the afternoon at work & it is a struggle point for me. It makes me want to grab a pop for a kick of caffeine. It makes me want to grab something from the candy dish. It makes me want to walk into our lunch room & grab a handful of chips. I feel tired in that moment & I am hungry.

Yesterday, I won the battle & enjoyed an apple with some almond butter. Plus, this filled me up for an evening of gymnastics practice leading to late dinner!

This past week in Ohio my daughter’s doctor recommended we try going lactose free as well as being test for other incoherences, celiac, etc. We slowly cut down while being out of town but it was hard staying in a hotel to make this change that I felt uneducated on.

So, now that we are home this trial has begun. I am a believer that a leader has to lead by example and I think a parent must do the same. I cannot preach to my kids about eating healthy if I am shoving down bowls of ice cream & bags of chips. In support of my daughter, we are all joining her. Not that we will be perfect, but at least not constantly singling her out that she has to eat that, while we enjoy this.

She wanted to try flat-out pizza last night with cheese she can have. I am so proud of how much she is excited to try new things & experiment. We stopped off to the store & I allowed her to grab some products to try. We got home & made up our pizzas with non-dairy cheese on all of them.

It was interesting, it will be something we will need to get an acquired taste for but my daughter felt very loved by the fact that we were in this with her. No one ever wants to feel alone.

Day 2 in the books. Food — check. Max out — 11:50.

Until Next Time~

Apr 5
2017

The Breakthrough

I know. Trust me. I wish I could tell you the number of times I have thought, “is it even worth it anymore?” I wish I could tell you the number of times I said to myself, “why bother, you’re going to fail again.”

This journey is hard. It is like riding a crazy rollercoaster ride every day. You find days you might just coast, others where you feel like you are fighting so hard to reach the top of the hill and others days where you are tumbling down the hill so fast you cannot seem to stop yourself.

Being out of town gave me so many ah-ha moments this past week. Being in a slower atmosphere without rushing from work to practices to home to school to here & there gave me time to look inside.

What did I find?

I found a woman who almost did not recognize herself. I found that inside me lived to many self-limiting beliefs. I found a woman who was constantly self-sabotaging herself. I found a woman with too many doubts and not much strength in her mindset.

I took Sunday and Monday off from workouts. I prayed. I thought. I brainstormed. I researched.

Last night was my breakthrough moment.

I decided to switch to a HIIT style program; lifting weights on my lower body was not working well at all with my foot/knee/leg. I was finding too often that I had to drop the weights, I was seeing that my body was requiring way too many rest days.

As I pushed play last night I again wondered if this was right for me. The pain in my leg returned like it was 4 months ago — a fire burning so damn hot inside me.

I maxed out at 7:24 & when I say this, I hope you note I am following the modifier over half of the time & I have zero shame in this.

I pushed through the 30 minute workout heavily modifying & at times having to walk away to stretch & allow the fire inside my leg to die down just a little.

When it came to an end, it was a gorgeous evening out & I was home alone. I wanted to test my leg on this workout versus running so I swapped my inserts from my shoes into my running shoes & made the choice that even if I only ran 0.5 of a mile, I wanted to test my body.

I started. I kept going. I can’t say fast; it was incredibly slow. I knew I could not push my body in speed; but I began to wonder if I could push the distance. I turned around a little over a mile and decided I was going to aim for 3. FullSizeRender

I hit that point. That point where everything in me wanted to STOP. I wanted to just walk it back nice & slow. I wanted to say that I could stop short & no one would know but me. I wanted to tell myself that I just can’t handle running 3 miles anymore.

Not this time.

For the first time in forever, I pushed through that wall without even stopping to take a walk break. I pushed through that point. I pushed through that moment where everything in my body wanted me to quit early.

When I finished I had two choices. I could have looked at my pace & thought to myself how slow I was now compared to back then. I could have told myself how weak I was because it felt so hard.

Or I could have chosen to be proud. I could have been proud that I kept pushing. I could have been proud that I was fighting to get back to where I want to be. I could have been proud that I haven’t given up just yet. I could have been proud that I was still determined.

I made the choice to be proud. I made the choice to not compare myself to the me from the past & instead focus on who I wanted to be today & tomorrow. I made the choice to tell myself that I am worth it; my health is worth it.

I made the choice in that moment that those self-limiting beliefs were trashed. I know I can succeed at anything I truly set my mind to achieve but I have been holding myself back for far too long.

I had a breakthrough. It looked a lot like day one of a truly incredible comeback. I’m letting go of who I was yesterday, last year, two years ago, or who I was the day I finished my marathon. I’m looking forward to who I want to become.

It might be hard to tackle this journey all over again; it is hard to accept that you have gone backwards. But, in my eyes, it’s harder to just stay feeling stuck than it is to fight forward.

Day one in the books. Max out at 7:24. 3 miles ran. Food on point. Progress will begin.

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Until Next Time~

Mar 3
2017

Magic

Sometimes we do not always understand certain roads that we have to travel. Sometimes we question if we followed the right direction when we approached the fork in the road. Sometimes we question every step along the way & sometimes we wonder how many more miles will we need to travel before the rain stops and the sunshine appears.

The thing is, if we just keep the faith that the sun will shine as long as we do not give up, the view ends up so beautiful that words cannot do it justice.

I ate breakfast in bed this morning.

I know, how did I go from roads being traveled to rain to sunshine to breakfast in bed?

Because he looks at me & can see what I need before I know. Because he looks at me & can hear everything I am not saying.

This week, as a mom, has been a struggle. A few months ago I thought we were in the middle of the mountain with Laynee’s health & in the past two months we have fallen back down the hill quite significantly. The last two weeks have felt a bit more like a serious tumble down it every day.

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Emotionally I have struggled. Mentally I have struggled. I have had to break my little girl’s heart while also listening to her thoughts & fears that brought me to my knees.

This morning I ate breakfast in bed. This morning he surprised me. He surprised me because he has heard what I have said this week & how I was feeling.

But, he also looked at me & could read everything I did not say. He could read just how weak I was feeling. He could read I needed to feel his support. He could read I needed him.

But, really he looks at me as if I’m magic.

That’s a way we all deserved to be looked at.

Magic. Every mile traveled on that road was worth it to find someone who sees all of me in a way no one ever has, in a way I never thought was possible.

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Until Next Time~

Feb 28
2017

I Remember When…

This morning while so many were still sound asleep in bed I was lost in my own thoughts. I was lost in my own little world. It’s a great little world, people love me there! But for real, sometimes I am amazed at how lost I can find myself.

I think that is a common thing for people who feel so deeply….there is not much surface level with me.

Today was a cardio day on my workout calendar. Currently, on the cardio days I am running instead of doing the program workout. I’m not running every day, I’m not adding cardio on to the end of my strength training workouts. I am following the calendar designed for the program & I’m only working out one time a day which is less than 40 minutes.

As I saw it was cardio day, I got a little bit pumped up. I was excited as I wondered if I would be able to go further today.

I fired up the treadmill & began putting one foot in front of the other at my slow pace. Of course, it was not easy & I wanted to stop just a few minutes in to walk.

That was the moment I got lost. I got lost remembering that it was just a few years ago that I could not run a mile yet. I would lace up & head out to run my neighborhood always praying my neighbors would not be looking out their window to see me struggle. I would run to a mailbox just a little ahead & allow myself a walk break until a driveway ahead of me or a tree.

I started from a standstill & I took a single, small step forward. That step was terrifying.

I think a part of me is still terrified, or is terrified all over again. I think the fear actually stems from not wanting to suffer another heartbreak. I am afraid of starting & not being able to finish; I’m afraid that running will break my heart again.

The problem is that I fell in love with running a few years ago. Running gave me the gift of learning to love myself. Truly, it is your typical love/hate relationship. Some days I hate it, some days it makes me cry.

But, then there are those days where I get such a high that just lights me on fire. There are even those days where the tears are tears of pride & joy.

It’s a relationship I will never give up on because it always gives me what I need and so much more. It doesn’t just take from me.

At the end of the day, I know I will give it all I have to get back out there on the trails, on the roads, crossing the starting lines in hopes of crossing the finish lines.

I have always been told I did not have the body to be good at things. Growing up I was told didn’t have a “pitcher’s body.” I did not have the long legs, with the arms to match. I was short with tree trunks. In volleyball I was always told it wasn’t likely I would ever play the front row. Hello little Miss 5’4″ on a good day.

I took all of those comments over the years and replied back with a “watch me” attitude. I achieved those things because I worked harder. I made sure if others were giving 100% I gave more. I pushed harder and I believed that I could do anything I set my mind to doing.

Now, I will take my body at age 36 that has it’s issues & show my girls that when you do have to work through an injury or when someone tells you something might not come as easy for you, you do have a choice.

You can make the choice to work hard. You can make the choice to give it all you have. You can make the choice to let pure determination carry you as far as it can take you.

Every day we can take that step. Every day we can move from that standstill place where we might feel like it’s a mud trap that we cannot possibly lift our feet from & we can move forward.

It takes the first step, followed by another. If we trust that there is strength from every struggle; if we trust that in time the momentum will carry us even further; if we trust that we can do hard things we might just find ourselves accomplishing some pretty incredible feats.

This morning’s workout I did go further. 2.5 miles done and I fell in love all over again.

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Until Next Time~

Feb 24
2017

The Jeans

Busted can of biscuits.

That is exactly how I looked!

So, this morning I really wanted to wear my lighter pair of skinny jeans. I put them on, I could pull them up fine, I could button & zip them easily. Sure, I could say they “fit,” right?

But….they were the fit that makes you look like you are carrying ten extra pounds around your stomach because they really are too small. I mean, maybe this only pertains to short & stocky women like me who reach 5’4″ on a good day & were definitely built to be solid.

I looked into the mirror at myself thinking, “you look like hell.”

However, from that moment this conversation inside my head could have gone in two completely different directions.

You see, I could have played this scenario out: “Are you serious? You look fat. You’re such a failure. I can’t believe you cannot even wear these jeans anymore. Seriously. Why bother, you’re never going to get there so you might as well quit.”

Yes, I will admit that in my past I have stood in the mirror & had some really horrible conversations with myself.

But today, my growth was evident. Because, today, I choose to look in the mirror & decide this was my truth:

Alright K, no big deal. You’ll change into the jeans today that are one size bigger but actually have some room in because your body is changing. These jeans here, you’ll be wearing in March like no big deal. Someday, these jeans will probably be too big for you. That day isn’t today, but that day can be in the future if you stay on track & stop the self-sabotage & make the choice to believe in yourself every single day.

You see this week I had some really good workouts that gave me some deep reflection. I had moments where I realized I have been truly self-sabotaging myself lately because I was giving power to my excuses again. Simply put: my mindset had grown weak. My condition, my daily pain, had left me feeling mentally weak & emotionally drained & the truth is that I didn’t handle it well.

I found that giving up had become really easy for me to do. In the six months I was sidelined & having to follow strict modifications, giving up was something I became accustomed to do. When the pain would start, I would quit. Some times I would quit even before I began because I was fearful. Giving up was so easy because I had such a good excuse to do so.

Whatever messages we fill inside our head is the mindset that will control our day. I did not realize how weak I had let it get. The good news is that you can strengthen your mindset, you can change it. Being mentally strong means you stay positive through adversity & are resilient when facing pressure, challenges & change.

This week I have taken any of the negative, self-limiting beliefs & changed them into positive & empowering thoughts. The result was a mile run outside yesterday that finished in 10:36 shaving four minutes off my pace since starting back. It never would have happened with the mindset from a month ago.

I have no doubt I will be wearing those jeans so very soon & the next time I put them on, I will not look like a busted can of biscuits.

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Until Next Time~

Feb 21
2017

It’s Different Than…

When I was a little girl I would dream. Just like the majority of all little girls I would picture my wedding & I would most definitely dream about being a mommy.

To girls.

I definitely wanted girls. However, I would have appreciated a warning that they would be identical to their mama.

Do you know what I did not picture in this dream? What I never imagined motherhood to be like?

Lonely.

I always thought it would be in the form of a team. I thought that I would always have someone to share the weight of the world with on a daily basis.

It was eight years ago this week that my youngest had her first surgery. Leading up to that decision was so many doctor appointments I attended alone & carried the weight of her health on my shoulders when I was forced to make the decision to proceed with surgery all alone.

Fast forward to the years since: hundreds of doctor appointments/test/x-rays, the hospital stays, the major decisions, the taxi driving mom, the stress of their health, the every moment in a day.

Some nights I get home from work and just wish for someone to be there to run the taxi for the night, to fight with the homework, to struggle through the tough nights of my daughter’s medical regimen. Despite those nights I might feel weak, I put on my best mom smile & do it all thankful I was given the tenacity I carry inside.

Some afternoons I sit here wishing someone could feel the heavy feeling as I wait for the phone to ring from a doctor’s office or my inbox to receive the e-mail from the other doctor.

Perhaps just someone to take the tears out of my eyes as the loneliness sets in.

I didn’t dream up this part. I never imagined that I would feel this way.

But, despite the lump in my throat, the tightness in my chest & the emotions showing in my eyes, my dream might look different than through the eyes of a young girl but it is still a dream come true.

My “team” is different from what we ever imagine it will be and perhaps I am on my own with most of it but those girls, my world, make it all worth it. Our “team” has extra people in it, but extra people to love on my babies which makes my heart happy.

Their hugs take away the loneliness, their hugs take away the fear. No matter what may land in our way, every time I look into their eyes I know I have the strength to handle it & will proudly wear my best mom smile every single day.

No, it is not how I imagined it would be; it’s even better than my dream. I am the mom to the two most amazing daughters which takes the hurt out of the lonely.  IMG_7581.JPG

Until Next Time~

Feb 3
2017

My Direction

A few years ago I wrote under an old blog about my weight loss journey. I wrote for no one else, except myself & perhaps a few online fitness friends.

I shared it all. The ups & downs of a weight loss journey. The days I won & the days I fell flat on my face. I had zero worry about judgement because I did not share with anyone in my “real life.”

I realized this week that I have ventured away from that in my writing. I have been writing with a business mindset & not just sharing me, my heart, my journey. I have been writing with fear due to messages I have received; sharing with a wall up.

So, here I am heading back to my roots. I’m here to share with you. I’m here to be honest about the times where I want to give up & I’m here to share with you about the wins, scale & non-scale related. There are no more walls; any negative judgement thrown my way means nothing to me.

I’m not writing to have your praise or positive affirmations; that’s not what it is about for me.

Honestly, I have thirty pounds I want to, need to, lose. Yes, I know that the scale does not define me. I know that some will tell me to not worry about the number of pounds I lose or don’t lose. I know that true beauty comes from within.

But, I’m here to do me; not anyone else. I will focus on non-scale progress as well; but I’m also going to focus on the scale too.

I’m not here to sell you something. I’m going to be here writing for me. Because writing for me is a form of therapy. It’s the best way that I self-reflect. Writing is the way that always allows me to move forward in life through any challenges I face.

On that note….
If you’ve been following my journey recently you know that I have not been allowed to “do me” while working out in over 6 months. I’m finally cleared & allowed to move forward. However, this will be different for me. I have to focus on different things. I have to do more than the person next to me. There are extra steps I need to take.

In all reality, I feel like my body is back to the beginning of my journey. I lost so much strength in the past 6 months that if I allowed it to, it would dishearten me. My endurance is a struggle. For real.

Today at lunch, I went to my gym to jump on the treadmill. My plan is to fit in just a few miles a couple of times a week with my weight lifting. I figure this way I can slowly build back up my running & make the needed adjustments listening to my body to do so.

I got on the treadmill thinking how amazing it would be if I could get in three miles today. I knew this was probably not going to happen but I also know I need to build slowly.

Umm….I got to a half of a mile & wanted a walk break. For real. This was at a very slow pace (like my speed never got over 5 mph & barely hit 5). I debated allowing myself the chance to walk for twenty seconds.

But instead, I increased my speed & pushed through to the mile mark.

My mind was filled with self-doubt but my body was stronger than I thought. For the past few months I wondered how much fight I really had left in me.

Now, I know there is a lot of fight left in me. It’s time I bring it. It’s time I write again for me. 16298771_1187413424702575_8554463217505954994_n (1)

Until Next Time~

 

Jan 18
2017

That First Thought

I did not realize it at first. It took some time. But, eventually I recognized this old behavior.

Monday morning I looked in the mirror & said,

“You look so frumpy. I hate these jeans. They don’t fit right so they look like crap. I’m bored with sweatshirts + running shoes….”

Frumpy.

Can I tell you how I felt ALL day long on Monday?

Frumpy.

I drank more coffee than normal, I felt tired & unmotivated. I struggled at work & allowed things that were truly so insignificant to get me worked up.

All because of that moment I looked in the mirror & told myself I was frumpy & my jeans fit like crap.

What you focus on, what you tell yourself sets the tone for our day. It shapes our mindset.

Yesterday, I went to the gym on my lunch break to try the elliptical & treadmill. My plan was to just get in a mile before my orthotic follow-up to test them while running considering I have had no decrease in pain during my other workouts.

I started and instantly things felt off, things felt tight, things were in pain & my lungs could not handle it. It felt as if I had never ran a day in my life.

I stopped & walked, tried again, stopped & walked, tried again. I had tears building in my eyes right there in the middle of the gym with people in every direction.

I stopped for the final time short of a mile & told myself this was too hard. I was no longer a runner. I was all the way back at the beginning like I was five years ago. I focused on how difficult it had been for me to build up to a mile, then two, then a 5k, then five miles. I decided it was too hard. I could not do it again.

Not once did I focus on all of the positive moments of that journey. Not once did I stop to think about how amazing it was to be able to run one mile without stopping or the day I still remember when I ran five miles for the first time or the time I ran a 5k under 30 minutes or the fight to cross every finish line I attempted to cross.

I focused on the ugly. I focused on the hard parts.

But, I could have made the choice to focus on the gift of being able to start again. I could have focused on the positives that I can be active at all. I could have focused on the opportunity to hit each of those milestones all over again in a brand new journey.

Frumpy. Too hard. Can’t. Impossible.

I had it all wrong in those moments. I know the choice is mine every day on the messages my brain receives.

The truth is our brain is hearing every single thought we have. We have to shift our mindset to send out the right messages. The messages that are going to build us up. The messages that will help us create a better tomorrow. The messages that keep our hearts open. The messages that help us serve others.

My shirt gave me my sign as I ran…or tried to run. I just did not stop to see the direction of my mindset until later. What you focus on becomes your reality.

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What messages are you giving yourself today? If you find its on the negative side, FOCUS on the good. Focus on the positives. Focus on the right stuff.

I will be over here focusing on the positives. The only messages I will receive from myself will sound like they are coming from my best friend becasuse that is the only way we should talk to ourselves.

Until Next Time~

Jan 16
2017

I Quit…..

I thought I woke up this morning feeling ready to tackle another week.

I thought I was feeling good about “it,” whatever it might actually be.

Turns out, my Monday morning did not start this way.

I woke up feeling awake & ready at 4:15. By 4:30 I was mixing up my pre-workout & sitting at my kitchen table reading some personal development. One of my absolute favorite combinations in life right now is some pre-workout + some PD….such a high when that pre-workout hits your system while working on your mind, dreams + goals….it makes you feel as if you really are going to crush this life thing!

As my workout began this morning, that crushing life feel was not a part of it. I started working out & was really struggling to put anything behind the moves. I was simply going through the motions. I tried to convince myself that I felt like working out, that I love it.

I’m not sure what happened or at what point, but all the sudden I found myself sitting on the couch watching the workout on my TV. Umm…hello K, this is not how you burn calories. There was zero leg pain to blame.

I did not want to do it. I did not feel like it. I was not in the mood. I was not motivated.

I quit.

I tried to get up but found I had a million excuses:
*I don’t feel like it.
*My leg might hurt.
*I’m bored.
*I have a million things I could do around the house.
*I can find time later.
*One workout isn’t going to make a difference.
*I’m tired.
*I want to go drink some coffee.
*I might run out of time this morning so I should just go shower.
*I can’t do most of it anyway because of my leg.

But here is the thing, you are not always motivated. You do not always feel like it. You have moments where you try to tell yourself your goals are not important & you will work towards them later. You will always have a pile of excuses ready to draw one out & use for the day.

So, I got back up because discipline is the answer. Pushing through the times we want to quit & give up makes us grow. Motivation comes & goes; inspiration can be found around you.

But, you have to be able to look within. You have to make the choice to be STRONGER than the pile of excuses. You have to make the choice to give the POWER to your why instead of the excuses. No one can drag you, but you.

Self-discipline is the bridge that will take you from your starting point to the goal. You might find as you cross the bridge that it’s super shaky, you might even find boards missing that you need to leap across to get to the next one but this is the only option to connect the two points.

So what choice will you make today? What will you give the power to?

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Until Next Time~