Dec 20

I Don’t Want to Forget

It was my day off of work & I found myself in complete silence sitting in this beautifully decorated living room with tears running down my face. I had been on the verge of breaking down for days & finally I could no longer stop it. I was exhausted in ways that sleep could not help.IMG_1111

I had a morning that was completely full of mom fails. Simply put, I was so past tired and hurt so much that I could not find the patience or the energy which caused us all extra stress.

Jacee has turned into the most incredibly helpful kid but has had to do so much “mothering” that perhaps it has created battles. She helps take care of me & does the things I cannot. Then, as she has to help her sister, the battles come out in full force. She helps make meals, cleans the kitchen, washes the dishes, helps with laundry, sweeps the floor, helps me find my clothes, carries my walker upstairs + downstairs, helps me in the car… and the list continues.

Laynee has been a struggle testing the limits daily. In truth, she is identical to myself as a kid. Still in her three month trial for her regimen, she fights me on her meds she must take three times a day. She is in a phase where she is struggling to fall asleep at night, but she is still trying to help her mom as much  as she can & with the tasks she is able to do.

Both of  my girls have sat & watched me in tears, they have both heard my sudden screams when the pain strikes out of nowhere. They have hugged me, asked what they could do to help & given me the sweetest kisses on my cheeks.

They have been so patient with me but yet, I have not returned that same gift. The pain, the frustration, the lack of sleep & the energy it takes for my body to fight through the pain while it is trying to heal is so much. While my body is under stress, it has been causing everyone else around me extra stress too. I realized that as I sat there in the living room with tears flowing.

I write this post for myself. Down the road, when  I find a day that is pain free, I do not ever want to forget what this was like. I want to remember so that I can always appreciate those days where my body feels good.

I want to remember what it felt like to have the feeling that someone is constantly drilling into my heel, or the millions of constant pins & needles, or the sudden stabbing in my foot that makes me scream, or the feeling of 100 needles going into my foot giving me shots all at the same time, or the constant fire with their big flames, or the throbbing that extends up to my knee. I do not want to forget the sleepless nights where I toss & turn for hours with tears in my eyes; sometimes the tears are for the pain while others it is for the frustration & exhaustion.

I want to remember how hard it was to go any place alone as I would use my crutches on the icy parking lots to get to the back of my car, stand on one foot as I got my knee walker out and would throw my crutches in the back of the car to await my return trip to the driver seat. I want to remember the struggles of Christmas shopping alone & the pain I fought through to pick up those random last minute items that were hard to grab on-line. IMG_1223

I want to remember the kindness & the rudeness I experienced while being out and about. The battles of overly crowded stores and people who run into you. I want to remember sharing the stories with my daughters & the remarks they shared with me. I want to remember the time at Meijer where Jacee put me in the car, loaded all the bags & my knee walker and then went to the car next to us in their handicap spot & helped the little old lady struggling with her bags and cart.

I have realized throughout the past year (plus several months) of my life that it is hard for others to understand what it is like to live with pain. The struggle some days just to get yourself out of bed & to take a shower. The tears you can shed sitting at your desk at work trying to make it through another work day. The smile you try to wear in front of others because no one wants to hear about your pain & because you do not want your pain to define you.

This little space of mine here in the online world is for my story. I want to write about this journey fully so that I can remember what these days were like. Some day I hope I can come back & read this point in time and smile at how far I have come.

Until Next Time~

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