The Ugly

I feel I am standing in the middle of a season that is bringing some chaos, important decisions to be made & the potential for incredibly big life changes.

Take a walk outside here in Michigan and observe the changes of fall. My life is currently in a season like this.

This week I was almost haunted by this picture here that appeared in my Timehop & my Facebook memories. 

This is me with my brothers at my cousin’s wedding in 2014. I have NEVER in my life felt as confident & as beautiful as I did that night. My first marathon was officially in a countdown & mentally I was in incredible shape.

This week looking at this picture almost had me wishing I was “her” again; as if that person in the picture was not me & I wishing to be someone else.

Today’s lunch break was spent out on the White Pine Trail. Fall & that trail are two of my favorite things. As I very slowly & painfully moved along the trail, I took in the colors of fall. The green that was still bright from the summer, the orange and red beginning to become so gorgeoulsy vibrant, and the leaves already fallen laying on the ground.

I realized my life seems to be in a fall season.

It is no secret that I have gained weight back; a significant amount. I reflect back and I can see a million reasons why, a million places I went wrong.

You see, I am a lot like fall. My appearance has changed, I have endured many battles, my surroundings are changing, I’ve gone from colorful + vibrant to dull and, at times, feel as if I am fighting to hang on before I fall to the ground.

Today I remembered that it’s all an incredible journey. Today I remembered that we change just like the seasons. Today I remembered throughout the seasons, it can be hard to find the beauty but with a new season things come back to life, the ugly disappears.

No, I’m not calling myself ugly here, my friends. But, what I am saying is that life is filled with many seasons and with each season brings change, it brings beautiful and ugly, some things fall apart or disappear for good, while others get the chance to grow all over again from the beginning.

Perhaps, I’m like the fall. I’m fighting to become vibrant + colorful again. I’m willing to fall down in order to begin a new season. I’m ready to grow again. I’m willing to accept that woman in the picture above is from an old season and she has disappeared for good.

In this season, if you see me out on the trail taking in the colors you will see me with a great limp. You might find me with tears. You could hear cuss words flying out of my mouth or perhaps a pep talk.

You will find me out there fighting, willing to let some of my color shine through the normalcy.

You will find me, no matter how ugly it might get, fighting for my health. Fighting for a better future. Fighting for a more beautiful season ahead.

Until Next Time~